Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The Secret Garden Meeting-September


The Secret Garden Meeting is a place for bereaved parents. It is our garden, our secret place to come to. A place to remember our children with those who understand us. It is a place to just be, without worry or fear of not being accepted and to share our hearts.

What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? Your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photos, videos, websites, support group information and so on.

There is no doubt that God has been the major influence in my healing. From the moment we got Carleigh's fatal diagnosis, He was there and He never left me. He continues to be with me. Sometimes He feels closer and sometimes farther away but I always know He is there. God has actually surprised me in the amount of healing He has given me. It is so hard to describe what it has been like for me on this broken road because sometimes I find it hard to believe that I am where I am. I've yet to find the words to describe it accurately. Perhaps this road of healing has been somewhat easy on me since I struggled much with Jordan. Between God's healing and the counseling I received then, maybe it helped to prepare me for this.

Another big healer for me is helping others. Just knowing that my journey is helping people with their own or allowing them to see the grace of God is a marvelous wonder. I don't think it is right for me to feel sorry for myself and throw a pity party, no matter how much I may want to. That really gets me nowhere and it would prolly just make me feel like crap. Instead, I feel a desire to reach out to others to comfort them in their hurt and to help them and other families facing the tragedy of losing their baby. I just pray that I can do a good job.

Blogging has allowed me to write out the feelings that are not easy to speak and has brought me into touch with many other moms facing the same grief of losing their baby. I know that I am not alone and that they understand what I am going through. Being able to have this outlet is a wonderful release. I'm afraid many emotions would get pent up without it.

While I was waiting with Carleigh, my anencephaly support group (Anencephaly Blessings From Above) helped me immensely. It was a safe haven for me where I could talk to other moms and receive comfort and guidance. I now belong to another anencephaly support group too (Anencephaly Support). I joined the other after Carleigh's birth. They still offer a lot to me and I also have the opportunity to help moms who are currently pregnant. I feel it is good for me to give back as I am grateful to those who helped me.

I am so thankful that I have my daughter, Kyndra. She fills my arms when they ache to hold Carleigh. She is such a joy to me, just like her sister. She has kept me busy and given me great reason to get up every day and live life to the fullest. I want to be a mommy she can be proud of. I love her so much!

I love listening to music, especially KLOVE. During my pregnancy with Carleigh, I had a playlist that contained certain songs. Some were older and some were newer. My entire pregnancy, and even after, I heard these songs often and at times when I really felt I needed to hear them. Sometimes they would bring tears to my eyes but I always enjoyed them. Songs have a way of connecting with you and your situation. I hear new songs now that make me think of Carleigh too and I've added and deleted on the playlist. My favorite place to listen to music is while I'm driving. Sometimes I will sing along and other times I will just listen and take in the words. Whenever I hear More Beautiful You on the radio I have to sing Carleigh's version of the song. I still can't make it through the song without choking up at some point.

One of the things I'm currently working on is Carleigh's scrapbook. I've actually completed one scrapbook already and I'm on the second one. I've long passed my goal of finishing it but that's ok. I only have a little more until it is completed. It's nice to be able to look through all her pictures and put them together in a creative way. I'm designing it for her and anything for her is very special to me.

I like having things that remind me of her. I got a tattoo of her handprint and her name on the back of my right shoulder. I had it made to her actual size. I love looking at it in the mirror and thinking of her and her tiny, perfect hands. Another thing I like is remembrance jewelry. I have a few pieces already and a couple in the works. It is something I can wear that people can see.

I enjoy reading. Reading allows me to take my mind off my present troubles, worries, etc. I get to escape my own reality for just a little bit. My best friend Lindsey has me reading vampire books and that has been quite a good distraction! lol

10 comments:

Rikki said...

I used to love reading when i was younger but hadnt read a book in over 4 years until i lost the boys. I got forced into reading twilight and i admit i am a little bit addicted, and by a little bit i mean very. Since twilight i have been reading alot of vampire books and they definantly are a great distraction. I never thought that i would get into vampire books so much.

after iris said...

Kyndra is so cute!

I'm so glad you've found so much to help you heal.

with love, Jess

stitchndeb said...

I love this post! Music helps me a lot too. You're a huge blessing to me, Holly, and your faith is so inspiring to me. ~Debbie

Christy said...

You said, "She fills my arms when they ache to hold Carleigh." I know exactly, exactly how that feels. I know i hold my youngest more and squeeze him more because I need that physical touch I didn't get from Chase. We are truly lucky to have them. Your Kyndra is absolutely beautiful!
xxxooo
Christy

kimberlee said...

Several weeks ago I wrote a post on my blog about mama's who I think are dancing their losses with grace. Something I have lacked but longed for. We all dance through the storm, but some are more graceful than others. I believe you are one of those graceful mamas.

Franchesca Cox said...

I know what you mean when you say that God has surprised you on how much He has been there. It is so true. He is more than enough.

Helping others is so therapeutic, it gives meaning to this hurt and gives me a new direction through this grief. Thank you for sharing.

XX

Sophie said...

I think being able to give and take help from this beautiful blogging community has been very special.

Yes, it's funny isn't it, but vampire books have been very good for me as well. Twilight in particular. It just took me away to a different place for a while and let me get lost in it.

Carleigh is beautiful. So is Kyndra. Hugging my son helps me too.

xx

Jeanette said...

I wear a special piece of jewellery too, and I have a locket on it's way to hold Florence's hair.
I like wearing something that reminds me of her.
Your tatoo is lovely, I think someday I'd like a tatoo, just not sure what of yet.
Thank you for sharing your story.

Mary said...

Holly - I also have time putting words to what I feel and how special my daughter is. Sometimes I feel like there are no words that are good enough and like no words can do our beautiful children justice. I love the tatoo you have. I have thought about one too. Isn't it amazing how our children help to pull us through. My son gives me reason to get out of bed and live too. They will never know how much they help us but they do.

Once A Mother said...

I love the tattoo. You always carry her with you and that is wonderful. I too find reading to help. I try to read something happy, like the Stephanie Plum books, on the really bad days to get my mind back up out of the shadows. I also love the book "An empty cradle a full heart" which matches feelings through child loss with scripture and psalms. Thank you for sharing.

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