The Secret Garden Meeting-September

The Secret Garden Meeting is a place for bereaved parents. It is our garden, our secret place to come to. A place to remember our children with those who understand us. It is a place to just be, without worry or fear of not being accepted and to share our hearts.

What has helped you through out this new life the most. Is it your family? Your faith? Support groups? A ritual? Music? Physical activity? A new interest? It could be anything. Tell us about how whatever it is has helped you. Please feel free to share photos, videos, websites, support group information and so on.

There is no doubt that God has been the major influence in my healing. From the moment we got Carleigh's fatal diagnosis, He was there and He never left me. He continues to be with me. Sometimes He feels closer and sometimes farther away but I always know He is there. God has actually surprised me in the amount of healing He has given me. It is so hard to describe what it has been like for me on this broken road because sometimes I find it hard to believe that I am where I am. I've yet to find the words to describe it accurately. Perhaps this road of healing has been somewhat easy on me since I struggled much with Jordan. Between God's healing and the counseling I received then, maybe it helped to prepare me for this.

Another big healer for me is helping others. Just knowing that my journey is helping people with their own or allowing them to see the grace of God is a marvelous wonder. I don't think it is right for me to feel sorry for myself and throw a pity party, no matter how much I may want to. That really gets me nowhere and it would prolly just make me feel like crap. Instead, I feel a desire to reach out to others to comfort them in their hurt and to help them and other families facing the tragedy of losing their baby. I just pray that I can do a good job.

Blogging has allowed me to write out the feelings that are not easy to speak and has brought me into touch with many other moms facing the same grief of losing their baby. I know that I am not alone and that they understand what I am going through. Being able to have this outlet is a wonderful release. I'm afraid many emotions would get pent up without it.

While I was waiting with Carleigh, my anencephaly support group (Anencephaly Blessings From Above) helped me immensely. It was a safe haven for me where I could talk to other moms and receive comfort and guidance. I now belong to another anencephaly support group too (Anencephaly Support). I joined the other after Carleigh's birth. They still offer a lot to me and I also have the opportunity to help moms who are currently pregnant. I feel it is good for me to give back as I am grateful to those who helped me.

I am so thankful that I have my daughter, Kyndra. She fills my arms when they ache to hold Carleigh. She is such a joy to me, just like her sister. She has kept me busy and given me great reason to get up every day and live life to the fullest. I want to be a mommy she can be proud of. I love her so much!

I love listening to music, especially KLOVE. During my pregnancy with Carleigh, I had a playlist that contained certain songs. Some were older and some were newer. My entire pregnancy, and even after, I heard these songs often and at times when I really felt I needed to hear them. Sometimes they would bring tears to my eyes but I always enjoyed them. Songs have a way of connecting with you and your situation. I hear new songs now that make me think of Carleigh too and I've added and deleted on the playlist. My favorite place to listen to music is while I'm driving. Sometimes I will sing along and other times I will just listen and take in the words. Whenever I hear More Beautiful You on the radio I have to sing Carleigh's version of the song. I still can't make it through the song without choking up at some point.

One of the things I'm currently working on is Carleigh's scrapbook. I've actually completed one scrapbook already and I'm on the second one. I've long passed my goal of finishing it but that's ok. I only have a little more until it is completed. It's nice to be able to look through all her pictures and put them together in a creative way. I'm designing it for her and anything for her is very special to me.

I like having things that remind me of her. I got a tattoo of her handprint and her name on the back of my right shoulder. I had it made to her actual size. I love looking at it in the mirror and thinking of her and her tiny, perfect hands. Another thing I like is remembrance jewelry. I have a few pieces already and a couple in the works. It is something I can wear that people can see.

I enjoy reading. Reading allows me to take my mind off my present troubles, worries, etc. I get to escape my own reality for just a little bit. My best friend Lindsey has me reading vampire books and that has been quite a good distraction! lol