Hodge Podge

As Kelly would say this is gonna be a hodge podge post! :)

First some things to do with Carleigh's birthday...

Thanks to everyone who has responded to my event on FB for Carleigh's birthday saying that they would remember her in some way on the 28th. It's much appreciated! And for those family and friends who want to join us on the 26th for a small party it is gonna be at our house at 1pm. Anyone who wants to join us is welcome! We'll have some food and cake and then go to the cemetery for a balloon release. We hope that you will join us if you are able!

Speaking of cake, the cake is ordered and I can't wait to see it. I even ordered something today from The Midnight Orange to go on top of it. When I saw it I just had to buy it!

And speaking of The Midnight Orange, I also bought something to give away for Carleigh's birthday. :) I'm looking into a few more things to also give away. Of course, you can be sure I'll also have something from My Forever Child.

On the day of Carleigh's birthday, which is the 28th, I don't have to work since I work the weekend so I also had Anthony take the day off. We're gonna go do something together for the day. We're either gonna go to the Newport Aquarium or to the Creation Museum. We haven't decided which one yet. But also on that day before we head off to do whatever we choose to do we'll drop off 2 memory boxes to the hospital where I work. Franchesca is making up the actual memory boxes for me. I know I liked Carleigh's star memory box she made for me so it just seemed right. So far I've bought a disposable camera and a small lavender candle to go in each. Any recommendations on what else to put in there? Was there something you got in a memory box that was helpful? Was there something you wished you would've got? You'd think I would know but we didn't receive a memory box from the hospital because I knew that I would get one made later. They did offer one though.

I just wanted to share a little something that was shared with me recently. I received a message from a lady named Phyllis who used to be a friend of mine on Cafemom around the time when Carleigh was still with me. She said that she shared about me with her daughter. Through our journey she also found out about NILMDTS and she talked about it with her friend who was a photographer. From their conversation, the friend decided to volunteer for NILMDTS. Then Phyllis' daughter's friend Lacy had a son, Kolton, with anencephaly on November 23, 2010. Phyllis' friend is the photographer who ended up taking their NILMDTS photos. Phyllis thought that I would like to know that telling my story on CM ultimately helped Lacy because otherwise, there would not have been a NILMDTS photographer for her. Just a wow moment for me and proof that Carleigh's story did make an impact. And I'm so glad that Lacy was able to have NILMDTS photographer because those photos are a priceless treasure! Thank you, Phyllis, for sharing this with me especially as we draw closer to Carleigh's 2nd birthday. I just love hearing things like this.

If you've been around these parts for a while you may know that I'm a big supporter of Sufficient Grace Ministries. Kelly, who founded the ministry, even graced me with the honor of being a board member. But being that I live a couple hours away from the rest of the SGM crew it kinda limits what I can do with the ministry. One thing I can do for them is fundraisers. If you aren't aware, Sufficient Grace Ministries offers their products and services for free to all bereaved parents. Because of this, the ministry holds fundraisers so that they can keep offering these services for free and not have to charge parents for them. I know many families out there who have been on the receiving end of this ministry, including myself.

Recently I have taken part in a couple of online auctions and was inspired by them to hold my own online auction to benefit Sufficient Grace Ministries. Right now I am gathering items to auction off and have a good number of items so far. I am also looking for individuals and/or businesses/shops to donate items if they are willing. It could be something little or something big. Anything is appreciated!! If you are interested in helping out please send me an email at caring4carleigh@yahoo.com. I plan on holding the auction some time in the beginning of April. A definite date(s) has not been set yet but I will announce it as soon as it is. Thank you to those who have already helped out!!

Happy Birthday February & March Babies

♥ Happy Birthday to those special babies celebrating days in February & March. ♥

Nicholas ~ February 1, 2008
Corinne ~ February 4, 2010
Cayden ~ February 4, 2010
Riley ~ February 10, 2006
Gabrielle ~ February 10, 2010
Sydney ~ February 10, 2009
Leah ~ February 10, 2009
Riley ~ February 11, 2010
Ethan ~ February 13, 2008
Akul ~ February 13, 2009
Sophia ~ February 16, 2008
Faith ~ February 19, 2009
Elijah ~ February 21, 2010
Lilly ~ February 22, 2010
Aubree ~ February 22, 2010
Asher ~ February 22, 2008
Alyssa ~ February 23, 2010
Lily, Paige, & Rylan ~ February 23, 2009
Brenham ~ February 29, 2008

Logan ~ March 1, 2007
Jaxon, Colin, Courtney ~ March 2, 2007
Maxton ~ March 3, 2009
Jasper ~ March 4, 2009
Ella ~ March 4, 2010
Nathan ~ March 5, 2008
Calvin ~ March 5, 2009
Blake & Ethan ~ March 5, 2008
Shelby, Megan, & Lynne ~ March 6, 2009
Zac ~ March 6, 2009
Amelia ~ March 11, 2010
William ~ March 11, 2009
Sage ~ March 13, 2009

Emma ~ March 13, 2008
Ireland ~ March 14, 2009
Johnny ~ March 14, 2009
Ella ~ March 15, 2009
Genesis ~ March 16, 2007
Lily ~ March 16, 2010
William & Neaven ~ March 17, 2007
Leila ~ March 22, 2010
Freja ~ March 25, 2009
Carli ~ March 26, 2010
Seth ~ March 27, 2008
Carter ~ March 27, 2009
Carleigh ~ March 28, 2009
Marshall ~ March 30, 2008
Cora ~ March 31, 2009
Levi ~ March 31, 2009
Dharma ~ March 31, 2008

If your baby's name is not listed and you would like it to be please leave a comment below.

20 days to go.....

.....until her 2nd birthday.

Right now I am in the midst of planning what to do. I've decided to have a little get together at our house on the 26th, which is a Saturday. This will be the day when family and friends can gather with us to remember her and celebrate her life. We'll have food and cake at our house and then go release balloons at the cemetery. I hope I'm not setting myself up for too big a disappointment like last year. But like my hubby said then, this isn't about them. It's about her. But still.....we all know how it feels when people choose to not acknowledge or take the time to remember our babies. I am glad to know that people who say they won't be able to be there on that day are gonna remember her in some way. I appreciate that.

After reading my friend Trisha's post about her son Nathan's 3rd birthday, I've decided I'd like to do something a little different than I had planned for Carleigh's actual birthday on the 28th. I have the day off of work and was just gonna spend the day at home with the girls and then make an angel food cake for later that evening when Anthony got home from work and then visit the cemetery later. But now I am thinking that it would be great for Anthony to take the day off of work and to go do something as a family. But I still wanna make the angel food cake because that's just yummy goodness. Of course, I gotta run this by Anthony but I hope that he'll agree to it.

I have decided what Carleigh's cake is going to be like for on the 26th and it is gonna be amazing! I can't wait to see what it's gonna look like in person.

So far this year has been better emotionally leading up to her birthday but there's still plenty of time for that to change. Maybe the reason for this is I have less time to just sit and dwell on it all with 2 little girls to look after. They keep me pretty busy! Usually my toughest moments are in the car driving and a song comes on that just gets the emotions stirring. I'm glad for those moments though and the release that it brings. Sometimes it's nice to just let it out.

It's hard for me to believe that she'd be almost 2 years old. Her absence is still felt. Many times I see my girls together and I think about the little girl that is missing from the picture. I wonder what exactly she would look like and how her personality would be. Would she be a mommy's girl too or would she dote on daddy? I do believe I get glimpses of her through her sisters but it's still hard to imagine. God, if You could would You send me a dream and let me know a little more about her? That would be a wonderful birthday present.

Guilt and hurt feelings

Today I had someone at work ask me the dreaded question of how many children I had. When she asked it I just let out this big exasperated sigh. It's such a loaded question and I hate having to answer it sometimes and on this day I just didn't want to have to answer it. But I did and I left her out.

WHAT!? I left her out!? How could I do that!?

I admit I wasn't really thinking and after I left her out I immediately regretted it and just felt guilty. But is it so bad not wanting to get into it all? I know it's ok and she isn't upset about it but this was the first time I have ever left her out. Almost everyone in my department knows what happened because they were there through it all so I guess I just didn't feel like explaining it to someone who prolly wasn't gonna be around much longer.

Why must this question always leave me at a loss for words? I know what my heart wants to say but sometimes it can be so hard to speak the words.

Almost 2 years ago my daughter was born and almost a week later my milk came in. It was right before her visitations and service. I pumped and stored my milk for 3 weeks hoping to give it to someone who needed it and would use it. I ended up giving it to my cousin who had her baby around 2 months later. I was happy that she would be able to use it for her baby.

I had assumed all this time that she had given it to her baby. I found out today that after I gave it to her she threw the breast milk away. She may have used a little bit of it but SHE THREW IT AWAY!!! I am so upset over this. This really hurts me that she did this. If she didn't want the milk all she had to do was tell me and I would've donated it to a milk bank or gave it to someone else who wanted it. This was the milk my body made that was supposed to nourish my daughter but instead it was thrown in the trash. It makes me sick.

It feels like she has disrespected me and even worse, my daughter. I don't plan on bringing this up to her because I don't want to end up hurting her feelings despite that she has hurt mine. And normally I wouldn't post things like this that she could very well end up reading but I figure if she finds out I know this way I don't really care. I just needed to vent about it and this is my space to do so.

On a happier note, I remembered I never shared the lovely heart pin that Kristin sent me for Carleigh. It's such a lovely pin and it makes me happy that she thought of us. Thanks Kristin! The heart kinda reminds me of what my heart is like now-a joyful and mournful heart in one.

Party Plans

I guess I figured out what I am going to do for Carleigh's 2nd birthday coming up. On the 26th, which is a Saturday, we'll have a small party (if that's what you wanna call it) at our house with some cake and then go release balloons at the cemetery. I decided to do something this day in case any of our family and/or friends wanted to join us.

Then on the 28th, we'll do something just as a family. I'm not sure what yet but I'm sure we'll go out to the cemetery at some point.

Now I just need to decide what kind of cake I want to get. I don't want it to be as big as last year's cake because honestly, that would be a whole lot of cake left over! But I sure did love the cake and I do want it to be beautiful again but just not as big.

I for sure want to order it from the same place because the cake was soooooo good. One of the best cakes I've ever had. So I'll have to be looking online for some cake ideas. Plus I'll need to get some balloons ordered. I think I'll order them from the same place I did last year because the people were so very nice.

So, if you are interested in joining us on the 26th just send me an email and let me know.