Day 14 ~ Capture Your Grief

Family: What does you family look like now? Is it just yourself carrying your child’s heart in yours? Do you have other children? A partner? A pet? You may not have what society perceives as a family but we all know that just because you cannot see any children, that does not mean that they are not a part of your family.

This is the most recent pic that I have of our family. It was taken October 2012.

I have a husband who I have been married to for 8 years. I have four living daughters and one daughter in Heaven. We also have another little baby in Heaven. We always find some way to include Carleigh in family photos. In the picture above we have her Carleigh Bear from Molly Bears in the photo.

Carleigh’s 4th Birthday

To celebrate Carleigh’s 4th birthday both Anthony and I took off of work and made plans for us to be together as a family (and wearing purple of course!). I made arrangements with the hospital to make some donations to the unit, which included tissues, disposable cameras, and some clay keepsake kits.

I also brought some treats for the nurses-purple cupcakes! They smelled so good!

I was also happily surprised to find out that stillbirthday had donated some Teeny Tears diapers to the unit in memory of Carleigh. That was so nice to see those on her birthday.

I talked to the nurses for a bit, including one of the nurses who took care of me postpartum, and I was telling them about training to become a doula and they definitely wanted me to let them know when I had finished  because they would love to have me come and help families.

Once we left the hospital we went to the cemetery to release some balloons.

I had planned on giving her new flowers but it was a bit chilly out and the water that was in the bottom was frozen and we couldn’t get the flowers out. They flowers still looked good from over the winter so we just left them for now. I wrote a message for Carleigh on a card and also the names of other babies to remember. Lainey and I let the balloons go and they went up and away (the butterfly balloon was dragging a little).

We packed back up and drove to the Cincinnati Museum where we spent the rest of the day. I thought it was fitting that we saw the Omnimax movie The Flight of the Butterflies. It was very neat! We also saw the Dead Sea Scrolls exhibit. The girls enjoyed the children’s museum the most.

 

On the way back home we grabbed some Chick-Fil-A (yummmmm) and the girls slept from all the playing. When we got home it was time for Carleigh’s cake! It was so beautiful and delicious too!

The girls obviously enjoyed the cake a lot. Evanee then had some fun playing with Carleigh Bear, who joined us for the day.

It was a good day for all of us remembering, loving, and missing her.

Day 18 ~ ~ Capture Your Grief ~ Your Family Portrait

Day 18 of Capture Your Grief wants us to take a photo of you with your family, work out a way to incorporate your baby/babies who are no longer physically with you anymore. You could hold up photos of them or even just hold their names with you. What does your family look like now? Is it just you left here? Do you have a large family? Is it just you and your partner?

The last family photo where we included our Carleigh Bear for Carleigh was on Carleigh’s 3rd birthday on March 28, 2012. In the pic you can’t see but I’m pregnant with Evanee. :)

We have also included her photo when we have taken pictures too. This one is from November 2010.

We plan to get family photos taken next weekend and I definitely plan on incorporating Carleigh into our pictures.

Day 17 ~ Capture Your Grief ~ Anniversary/Birthday/Due Dates

Day 17 of Capture Your Grief wants us to share a photo of what we did for our baby’s special day.

For Jordan’s day, which is December 19th, I usually just light a candle in remembrance.

For Carleigh’s birthday, we do something special. For her 1st birthday we had a party with food and cake and did a balloon release at the cemetery. I set up a table too of her keepsakes to share with those who came to celebrate with us. We had many friends and family come.

For Carleigh’s 2nd birthday we had s very small party the weekend before and did a balloon release at the cemetery. We donated memory boxes and bears to the hospital maternity unit on her birthday. We then went to the Creation Museum as a family.

For Carleigh’s 3rd birthday we went to the cemetery as a family and did a small balloon release. Then we went to the Newport Aquarium. Later we came home and had some cake. Carleigh Bear came with us.

Day 11 ~ Capture Your Grief ~ Supportive Friends/Family

Day 11 of Capture Your Grief wants us to share who has been there for support.

One of my biggest supports is my husband, Anthony. He’s the only person who went through it all with me and knows what it feels like to lose our daughter Carleigh because he experienced it too (and the same for Jordan). We don’t always talk about it a lot but I know he understands and misses her too. It’s sort of an unspoken understanding and it isn’t something that needs explained.

Below is a pic of Anthony and I after Carleigh was born. It’s one of our NILMDTS photos.

A big support for us has been our family. They have stood by us since the beginning and helped us out so much. I know they can’t possibly understand completely what it is like for us but they allow us our emotions and to do things in honor of our children that we feel we need to do.

Below is a pic of my dad and I after Carleigh was born. It is a photo my friend Ashley took.

We had many prayers and support from friends on this road and we so appreciate that! I am personally SO thankful for the friends I have met on this road that have also lost. They get what we feel and they feel it too. We don’t have to explain or feel uncomfortable for anything we do around them.

Below is a trip we took back in October 2009 to Chattanooga, TN. We met up with some friends who have also lost their babies and it was so wonderful!!

Carleigh’s 3rd Birthday

I wasn’t sure how year 3 would be. I was hoping it would be a good day but you just never know how emotional or not it may be. Thankfully, both the day before and her actual birthday were good days. Even the days leading up to her birthday weren’t bad. I only had a couple moments. I think maybe I would have had more had I not been so busy with everything and taking care of the girls. The girls certainly keep my hands and mind busy just themselves, especially Lainey!

The day before her birthday something neat actually happened. The 27th was the day we went into the hospital for my induction with Carleigh. In the early morning on the ride to the hospital I was able to feel Carleigh hiccup for the last time. On the morning of the 27th around the same time Evanee got the hiccups. It was just really neat and I wanted to share. It totally took me back there but not in a bad way. It made me smile to remember that time because I think of Carleigh’s last hiccups as a gift from her.

The week before Carleigh’s birthday I ordered her cake. I knew I didn’t want to get a huge cake and have a ton of it left over like the previous year so I got a small cake and browsed the internet for possible designs and customized it with the colors I wanted. I think it turned out really good. The cake ended up being bigger than I thought it would and we still had cake left over so I took it into work the next day to share. It was delicious!

I had Anthony pick up the cake the morning of Carleigh’s birthday and also some balloons too. Before we left the house I made sure to get a pic of us all in our purple and with Carleigh bear of course!

We went to the cemetery so that I could change Carleigh’s flower arrangement to a more spring one and to also release the balloons we had gotten. I let Kyndra release the balloons when it was time.

After we were done at the cemetery we spent the day as a family at an aquarium. The girls really enjoyed it, especially the shark tunnel. Carleigh bear even came along! We visited a candy shop next door to the aquarium and picked up some goodies for all of us (cotton candy for me!).

When we got home we had steak and twice baked potatoes for supper and then cut into Carleigh’s cake.

I had wanted to go through Carleigh’s pictures and perhaps some videos too but that didn’t end up happening. By the end of the day I was so tired I just wanted to go to bed! I did spend a little time the day before though looking at a few items in her memory chest so I’m glad I at least got to do that.

Loved Ones with Carleigh

Today I wanted to share some pictures of our family and friends holding our little Carleigh. Almost everyone who came to see us was able to hold her. My Aunt Becky, Uncle Buck, and Grandma Putnam I don't believe held her, but I'm not 100% positive on that. The only picture I don't have of someone holding Carleigh is Ashley, my friend who took our pictures before, during, and after delivery. (Wish we could've gotten that pic, Ashley!) The captions are Carleigh's relationship to that loved one.

Mommy

Daddy

Nana (Anthony's mom)

Grandma (my mom)

DoDo (Anthony's dad)

Grandpa (my dad)

Aunt Katrina (my sister)

Aunt Chantel (Anthony's sister)

Great Aunt Jeanna (Anthony's aunt)

Uncle Todd (Anthony's brother)

Uncle Jason (my brother-in-law)

Holly (our Pastor's wife)

Aunt Taylor (my sister-in-law)

Lindsey (my best friend)

Krissann (family friend)

Great Grandma Sterling (Anthony's Grandma)

Pastor Mark (our pastor)

Uncle Rob (my brother-in-law)