Return to Zero

This amazing movie about stillbirth premiered last night on Lifetime. It was the first global premiere of a movie on Lifetime and I’m so glad it was a movie that touched on stillbirth, loss, and grief.

RETURN TO ZERO - Official Trailer from Sean Hanish on Vimeo.

I won’t talk about what happened as not to spoil it for anyone who hasn’t seen it but I will say that it was AMAZING. It was so true to life and I was able to relate to it, as were many others. This movie could only have been made by someone who has been there. Anyone else would never got it right.

The movie is available for preorder on Amazon. I definitely want to get this movie.

I will say that at the end of the movie before the credits were the names of many babies. People were given an opportunity to donate towards the movie to help fund it and if they did they were able to have their baby/babies’ name(s) at the end of the film. I donated through stillbirthday for the movie and I had Carleigh, Jordan, and Leah put in it. Although, I wish I would have put that Leah’s last name was different because they grouped her with my babies’ last name. That’s ok though, she was still there.

I highly recommend seeing the movie, but I will also warn you that it is emotional. Have tissues!!!

Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day is here again. Honestly, I don’t even care. Both my husband and I don’t really put much emphasis on giving each other stuff on days like this, our birthdays, or Christmas. I’m really glad we don’t. I see all these people who get so disappointed when the day isn’t what they expected it to be.

My husband and girls did wish me a Happy Mother’s Day and gave me a card, but that was the extent of “celebrating” the day.

I had thought maybe to go out to the cemetery, but we didn’t. After church, I was just ready to go home.

So wishing all the mothers out there today a Happy Mother’s Day….whether your baby is here on earth, in Heaven, or only in your heart.

Carleigh’s custom ornament

I won the custom ornament from Sarah’s Tiny Treasures that was on the SGM auction this spring. I received it not long ago and I just love it. It’s so pretty!!

Happy Birthday Leah

Today is my niece Leah’s 2nd birthday. Remembering and loving her still….

Carleigh’s Birthday Celebration

Normally for Carleigh’s birthday we go somewhere on a family day, but we weren’t able to do that this year since we had to leave for a trip that day. We did go to the cemetery and release balloons in the morning. We released 2 pink star balloons and a big unicorn balloon. It was a chilly morning so we didn’t stay long.

I got Carleigh cupcakes and a cake with a unicorn theme to it. The cake was chocolate with buttercream frosting. The cupcakes were chocolate with a peanut butter filling and buttercream frosting. The little unicorns on top were edible and pretty good! Rachel’s Cakes made both her cake and cupcakes.

After the cemetery, we drove back up to my IL’s house and we had the cake and cupcakes with everyone. They had gotten them the night before for us. We took the girls out to my parent’s house with a few of the cupcakes to eat. Both were so delicious!!

Happy 5th Birthday

Today is Carleigh’s 5th Birthday. I can hardly believe it has been 5 years since the day she was born. I still miss her like crazy. My love for her is still very strong and always will be.

Carleigh,

I want you to know that there will never be a day that I don’t think of you, miss you, love you. You are always on my mind and in my heart. One day we’ll be together again. Until then, I hope you are watching over us.

♥~Mommy

Photo Engraved Jewelry from Jewelry Keepsakes

I was recently contact by Hallie from Jewelry Keepsakes about doing an evaluation of one of their photo engraved necklaces. I was incredibly honored she chose me to do a review of one of their products. I have never gotten one of their pieces before nor heard of their site so I was looking forward to browsing through the selection on their website and seeing what they have to offer. I was quite surprised at the wide variety.
I browsed through the selection of photo engraved jewelry to find one I might like. I took my time in selecting what I wanted because I didn’t want to pick something and then wish I had gotten something else. When I had questions about different pieces, Hallie was very helpful and had all the answers I needed. She helped me to select the pendant that was right for me. Once I decided what I wanted I sent a photo and what I wanted engraved on the back. Hallie said that she would put the order in and it would ship out. Incredibly, I got it the very next day! I was very surprised (and elated) at how quickly I got it.
I opened it up like a kid opening up their presents on Christmas morning. I saw my pendant with Carleigh’s picture and it was absolutely beautiful. I was actually speechless! I was amazed at how well Carleigh’s photo had been engraved on the pendant. The detail was very good.

I flipped it over and looked at the back where I had it engraved with her name, birth date, and the words “Always Loved”.

Included with the pendant was a 22 inch chain. I put the pendant on the chain and tried it on. When handling the chain it seemed very strong and I’m very certain it could withstand any pulling from my kids. The ring holding the pendant onto the necklace is quite thick. Unlike some of the other pendants I have, I know that I don’t have to worry about this pendant falling off my necklace from daily wear or from being pulled on. I actually lost Carleigh’s cross from her necklace this way when it fell off on when we were at a local museum. I was never able to recover it (and I haven’t yet replaced it).

The pendant is a little larger than what I would normally wear but I love it so much that I don’t even care. I did put the pendant with my hand/footprint pendant and her baby ring to see how well they would mesh together and I loved how it looked. Now I can put them all together and switch back and forth when I want to wear a small chain or larger chain. The pendant I chose was available in silver or gold tone. I chose the gold so I would be able to put it with my other necklace if I wanted.
To get an idea of the actual size of the pendant, I put a dime next to it.

In addition to the chain that was sent to me, I also receive a cord to hang it from my rear view mirror in my car. I put it on the cord and tried it out. It looked really nice hanging there. The cord is clear with two magnetic ends, which made it super simple to put on and take off the mirror.

While browsing through the website, I looked at the different price ranges they offer. Everything is reasonably priced. There are cheaper options and more expensive options for those buying on different budgets. I would gladly pay for my pendant what it is currently priced. I think it’s a great deal for a great pendant.
In summary, I am overall very satisfied with Jewelry Keepsakes and would recommend to anyone looking for photo jewelry to check them out. The quality and customer service is great! Their jewelry would make a great gift to yourself, a friend, or a family member. (They even do pets!)

Reflecting and looking ahead

It just blows my mind how quickly 2013 went by. I swear that each year I get older the year goes by faster. I did not post very much in 2013. There were times when I thought about and meant to but never got around to it. Free time is not something that comes by easily with 3 little ones running around keeping you on your toes. By the time they go to bed mom is ready to go to bed too (and I often do).

Many special days and holidays have passed in 2013 without me posting about them. I did manage to post about Carleigh’s birthday, but that may be the only one! This past year I’ve sort of unplugged from online things, especially in the latter half of the year. It’s actually quite refreshing freeing yourself from being so “connected”. So far this year I haven’t made any attempt to connect more and I think I am happier for it. I definitely get to spend more time with my girls, which is great for all of us.

As far as blogging, I think I only read a  handful of blog posts from other people. I’ve pretty much given it up. I shut down my family blog and the many blogs I used to read I don’t anymore. At one time, I needed to read and connect through them but I simply don’t anymore. It’s sad in a way since I don’t keep as updated with some people as I used to. However, I’m willing to sacrifice that for the extra time I have. I’ll always be thankful for the healing and friends that blogging brought into my life. So what is in store for Carleigh’s blog? Well, I have no plans to shut it down. I think it is still able to help and comfort those who are looking for it. I still need this space for me too. While I don’t write here like I used to, I like having a place to go when I do. I have made the decision to no longer do the monthly birthday posts that I have done the past 2 years.

I may not be involved much anymore in the blogging babyloss community but I am still involved with SGM. The beginning of 2013 was when Kelly and I became certified SBD Birth & Bereavement Doulas for our Perinatal Hospice & Bereavement Services we offer. In April, we served our first family and we as a ministry have served many since. The year brought more people to us to serve as volunteers for the program both as doulas and photographers. We established a division of our program in the St. Louis area with the help of our friend, Heather. It’s so amazing to see how SGM has grown and to see how God provides for us.

I think I only made it to the cemetery like 3 times in 2013. Surprisingly, I do not feel guilty for that. I wish I could have went more, but it’s just not as easy to go as it used to be. I had meant to go in December to put up some winter flowers but I never did. At this point, I’m not going to even bother. I’ll wait for her birthday and put some new ones up. I really wish I would have had her cremated instead. I could have kept her in our bedroom and gotten a cremation necklace I could wear. Then when my time was over here she could have been buried with me or my ashes could have been put with hers. I’ve actually entertained the thought on several occasions of digging her up and having her cremated. I know that would cost a small fortune to do.

Since this is an update of sorts I guess I’ll talk about how I am doing as far as the whole grief thing. Well, I’m doing fine. Really. Hard days or moments are the rare exception now. Of course, the missing is always there and I’ve learned to deal with that. I can honestly say I am happy with the way that my life is. I have no guilt over being happy and make no apologies to people who can’t be happy for me. It also makes me happy to see my fellow BLMs I have met along this road be happy too.

I actually had one of those “harder moments” not too long ago. I was lying in bed awake, which is unusual for me because when I’m ready to go to bed it doesn’t take me long to go under. I was thinking about Carleigh and what it would be like to be able to see her how she would look today at the age of 4 1/2 years old. I tried to picture it in my mind but the image never really came into focus. The tears welled in my eyes because I wanted it so much but I can’t have it (unless God saw fit to give me that glimpse). It just made me really miss her. Not so much sad but a longing of a mother to hold her child that she never can on this earth.

Believe it or not, I actually plan to post again in the next day or so with a review for a photo engraved necklace I recently received (and totally love). Stay tuned for that!