A first visit

On Sunday, August 25th after church we went to the cemetery for Evanee’s first visit to Carleigh. It was my first visit in 5 months. The last time I was there was for Carleigh’s birthday. I wish I could visit more often but it’s so hard to find the time now that we have three little girls earth side instead of just one. It’s a lot easier to pack up one and go than three.

I wish instead of a headstone there was a fourth little girl in the picture with us.

It was a beautiful, warm day. Would’ve been a perfect one for just sitting at her grave by myself. Maybe some day soon.

August 19th Day of Hope

Those in this online babylost community have become familiar with this date. If you don’t’ know what it is about you can read more about it HERE. In short, it is a day we remember our babies and speak out about our losses.

We really didn’t do anything special or out of the ordinary today. The last song we sung at church today was my favorite hymn, “It Is Well”. I love this hymn but my heart is a mix of joy and sorrow when I sing it. And ever since Carleigh, I cannot sing this song with tears welling in my eyes. How interesting and appropriate that we sing this hymn today of all days.

I didn’t even think of it at the time since we were so focused on getting all the girls packed up and on our way that we should have visited the cemetery. It’s been so long since I have been there and it would have been nice to go today. The weather was even beautiful. I’m sure Carleigh doesn’t care whether I go or not, but I think I would have felt better if I had.

I did think of her often today, which really isn’t unlike any other day if I’m honest. I also thought about all the sweet babies of my friends I have met on this road. So thankful for them.

If I had to tell the world something on this day it would be that babies do die. These losses are tragic and devastating to families. These children are much wanted and loved. We never forget and we never stop missing. Don’t be afraid to talk about our children. One of the greatest gifts you can give us is to show that they are remembered.

Helpful resources

I have updated my Helpful Links tab on my navigation bar. I have added some resources and deleted some that are no longer active. If you know of any that can be added or if any links currently on the list don’t work for you please let me know.

4 years ago I found you

It was 4 years ago today that I found out that I was pregnant with Carleigh.

Wow. 4 years.

I don’t know why I’m always surprised in how much time has passed and how much older she should be if she were still here. Even in the beginning I would think “how can it be a week already?” Then a week turned into a month, a month into a year, and now it’s nearly 3 1/2 years since she was born. She should be a wild toddler running around with her sisters giving me gray hairs, but instead she’s gone and all we have are the what ifs and maybes.

It’s unfair, really. Not only to me and her daddy but to her sisters. They’ll never know her. I will always hold the memories of her and I know that she’ll never mean to them what she means to me because of that. That sucks.

Today 4 years ago was supposed to be the start of a dream of 2 little girls running around. I envisioned them playing and even fighting like sisters do. Best friends. I didn’t know 4 years ago how shattered that dream would become. Sure, I went on to have 2 more beautiful girls but it doesn’t replace the dream I had for Kyndra and Carleigh.

I’m not sure why this year I thought more of this date when the years before I didn’t really give it a lot of thought. You just never know when dates will hit you more some years than others. I wouldn’t say today has been a hard day but I have thought a lot about her and my mind has wandered to the what-could-have-beens.

I was listening to a song today and a portion of the lyrics always stand out to me and I can’t help but think of what so many of us have been through.

You know the effort I have given
And you know exactly what it cost
And though my innocence was taken
not everything is lost

Even though she is gone, I still have a lot to live for. Having her changed so much. Losing her changed so much. Life can’t go back to the way it once was, but would I want it to?

Women of Faith 2012

August 3-4 was the Women of Faith conference in Columbus. Sufficient Grace Ministries again took a group of women and we had a blast!

My friend Mattie came down the night before and it was so great to see her because I hadn’t seen her since the Women of Faith conference last April. We went down earlier on Friday this year to volunteer as part of the distribution team, which means we distributed the bags to all of the seats in the arena. We were supposed to be there from 10:30-2 but we finished around 12:30pm. The perk of volunteering was getting free premium seating. Each volunteer got 2 free tickets so all of the SGM group went to the conference for free since there were 10 of us and 5 volunteered. Only later did we found out that this year we did not get premium seating. They stuck us up in the nosebleed section but thanks to Kelly we got closer seating. Not what we should have had, but better.

After we were done volunteering, Mattie and I went my friend Erin’s way to pick up Evanee (her neighbor watched her). We visited with Erin and Ava a little bit and then we went to check into our hotel.

We had decided beforehand that the group would eat at the Cheesecake Factory. Erin and Ava also met up with us there to eat. We ate around 4:30pm so we’d have plenty of time (or so we thought) before the start of the conference at 7pm.

While at the Cheesecake Factory we enjoyed fun and fellowship with each other and some very good food!!

Went to the conference after eating and had a great time. Missed the first few minutes because of the seating fiasco  but Kelly took care of it and we got better seats.

We went back to the hotel after and Mattie and I prolly got to bed around midnight and were up at 6:30am. Mattie and I left before the rest to search for some food but there was none around in that area even though there were a ton of hotels. Why would there not be restaurants with like 20 hotels around!? We drove towards the arena and stopped through a McDonald’s on the way and got some cinnamelts.

Sidenote: The GPS in my van was wonky all weekend and I swear we missed like 20 turns because of the darn thing. We always made it eventually in the end though.

When Mattie and I got to our seats there was a bag sitting there and I was wondering what it was and saw that it was from World Vision to sponsor a child. Anthony and I already sponsor Shalini from India through Compassion so I had no intention to sponsor another but when I saw the date it felt like I was meant to. Her birthday is April 25, 2009, which is just a day after Carleigh’s due date. Mattie also sponsored a little girl from Honduras. :)

We watched some painter guy (totally forget his name) paint a portrait of Jesus. He sort of told a story while he did it and it was really neat to watch.

When it was time for lunch we went outside the arena to go to a place as we didn’t do box lunches this year. We went to a place called the Three-Legged Mare and waited FOREVER for someone to take our order but they never came. Even people who came after us had food! Needless to say we left and just grabbed some food from the concessions inside the area. I got a hot dog.

Overall we had great speakers and they certainly made us laugh. We got concerts from Mandisa and Amy Grant (below). There were definitely some emotional moments and I thought of Carleigh a lot and missed her.

We all had a fantastic time and I’m already looking forward to next year!

Angel pins and ornaments

A few months back my MIL gifted me a pin. It’s a beautiful angel pin that was custom made with Carleigh’s birthstone of March. What’s nice about it is that I can wear it or Anthony can wear it on a tie.

My MIL told me to contact the lady who made the pin as she might be interested in raising awareness for anencephaly through her jewelry. I contacted Debra of Angels In My Heart and we decided that Sufficient Grace Ministries could benefit from a partnership. So I told Kelly about her work and what she does and then we began to put it all together.

What Debbie does is she partners with charities to help them raise money for their cause. A portion of the proceeds of the pin and/or ornament the charity chooses goes to that charity. What a great thing she does!

Sufficient Grace has chosen the Joyous pin and the Grace ornament and a 30% of the proceeds from their sales will come back to us. Below on the left is the Joyous pin and on the right is the Grace ornament. Each is available in both gold and silver and can have birthstones added to them.

You can visit Angels In My Heart HERE to purchase a pin or ornament to support the ministry. You can also go to the Support SGM page and any donation of $20 or more will get a pin for a limited time.

Currently there is a giveaway going on on the SGM blog for a Joyous pin. Stop over and enter while you can!

August Babies

♥ Remembering August babies ♥

Gracie ~ August 1, 2009
Isaiah ~ August 3, 2008
Lily ~ August 3, 2008
Andrew ~ August 7, 2009
Skylar ~ August 7, 2010
Cayden ~ August 8, 2009
Elliot ~ August 10, 2009
Kelsey ~ August 11, 2009
Evelyn ~ August 11, 2011
Ethan ~ August 11, 2009
Bryson ~ August 12, 2009
Michael ~ August 12, 2010
Sebastion ~ August 12, 2010
Emma & Chase ~ August 12, 2009
Reese ~ August 13, 2009
Aiden ~ August 13, 2010
Bryston & Colton ~ August 15, 2010
Leilani ~ August 17, 2010
Brinley ~ August 18, 2010
Hope ~ August 19, 2008
Peyton ~ August 19, 2010
Jonathan ~ August 20, 2011
Isabella ~ August 21, 2008
Savannah ~ August 23, 2010
Nevaeh ~ August 25, 2009
Addison ~ August 27, 2010
Madelyn ~ August 28, 2009
Malia, Nathan, & Anthony Jr.   ~ August 28, 2011
Gloria ~ August 29, 2006
Luke ~ August 29, 2009
Ezra ~ August 30, 2008

If you'd like your baby added please leave a comment!