It was 4 years ago today that I found out that I was pregnant with Carleigh.
Wow. 4 years.
I don’t know why I’m always surprised in how much time has passed and how much older she should be if she were still here. Even in the beginning I would think “how can it be a week already?” Then a week turned into a month, a month into a year, and now it’s nearly 3 1/2 years since she was born. She should be a wild toddler running around with her sisters giving me gray hairs, but instead she’s gone and all we have are the what ifs and maybes.
It’s unfair, really. Not only to me and her daddy but to her sisters. They’ll never know her. I will always hold the memories of her and I know that she’ll never mean to them what she means to me because of that. That sucks.
Today 4 years ago was supposed to be the start of a dream of 2 little girls running around. I envisioned them playing and even fighting like sisters do. Best friends. I didn’t know 4 years ago how shattered that dream would become. Sure, I went on to have 2 more beautiful girls but it doesn’t replace the dream I had for Kyndra and Carleigh.
I’m not sure why this year I thought more of this date when the years before I didn’t really give it a lot of thought. You just never know when dates will hit you more some years than others. I wouldn’t say today has been a hard day but I have thought a lot about her and my mind has wandered to the what-could-have-beens.
I was listening to a song today and a portion of the lyrics always stand out to me and I can’t help but think of what so many of us have been through.
You know the effort I have given
And you know exactly what it cost
And though my innocence was taken
not everything is lost
Even though she is gone, I still have a lot to live for. Having her changed so much. Losing her changed so much. Life can’t go back to the way it once was, but would I want it to?