Friday, August 10, 2012

4 years ago I found you

It was 4 years ago today that I found out that I was pregnant with Carleigh.

Wow. 4 years.

I don’t know why I’m always surprised in how much time has passed and how much older she should be if she were still here. Even in the beginning I would think “how can it be a week already?” Then a week turned into a month, a month into a year, and now it’s nearly 3 1/2 years since she was born. She should be a wild toddler running around with her sisters giving me gray hairs, but instead she’s gone and all we have are the what ifs and maybes.

It’s unfair, really. Not only to me and her daddy but to her sisters. They’ll never know her. I will always hold the memories of her and I know that she’ll never mean to them what she means to me because of that. That sucks.

Today 4 years ago was supposed to be the start of a dream of 2 little girls running around. I envisioned them playing and even fighting like sisters do. Best friends. I didn’t know 4 years ago how shattered that dream would become. Sure, I went on to have 2 more beautiful girls but it doesn’t replace the dream I had for Kyndra and Carleigh.

I’m not sure why this year I thought more of this date when the years before I didn’t really give it a lot of thought. You just never know when dates will hit you more some years than others. I wouldn’t say today has been a hard day but I have thought a lot about her and my mind has wandered to the what-could-have-beens.

I was listening to a song today and a portion of the lyrics always stand out to me and I can’t help but think of what so many of us have been through.

You know the effort I have given
And you know exactly what it cost
And though my innocence was taken
not everything is lost

Even though she is gone, I still have a lot to live for. Having her changed so much. Losing her changed so much. Life can’t go back to the way it once was, but would I want it to?

11 comments:

brigette said...

Written so beautifully! You are always such a inspiration. Big hugs mama!

Jennifer Ross said...

Perfectly put.... and yet the answer to that final question, I could never bare to answer..... thinking of our children together tonight Holly....

love to you...

Mattie said...

Thinking of you Holly and sending you hugs. Yes, isn't it amazing how a simple date on a calendar can bring up such emotion. I think sometimes it's harder because we are the only ones who carry these special dates. Sigh...

All FOUR of your girls are beautiful...

Caroline said...

Lots of love always , prayers & {{Hugs}} for all of your family.
Always remembered & loved
<3 Carleigh <3

Trisha Larson said...

I often think of that very last question. Very often. I am so glad that God doesn't let me choose. I don't know what I would do....

Hugs sweet mama,
Trisha

Jenn said...

Oh Holly, you expressed so well what many of us think & feel. You are right, some dates/memories hit you out of nowhere, there is no rhyme or reason. Thinking of you and saying an extra prayer for you. (((hugs)))

Trennia said...

(((HUGS)))

Shauna said...

Holly, I have been a lurker on your blog for several years now. I was first directed to it literally the day before Carleigh was born, and my heart just ached for you. At the time, I was pregnant with my daughter and waiting for the 20-week ultrasound that would occur just the following week. Selfishly, I was petrified and wondering why God put your story in my path at that time (they even have the same first two initials: CM). We went on to have a healthy baby girl, Caroline, in August 2009. I kept reading your blog but must admit I hadn't looked at it in several months.

Fast forward to this year, when I became pregnant again. I had complications, ended up on bed rest and then in the hospital for a month, and my precious baby boy Weston was born at 24 weeks gestation on July 7. He lived for three weeks in the NICU and passed away on July 28, just a few weeks ago. I am wondering how I am going to live without him and whether I will ever be happy again. I turned to your blog a few days after we lost him. I share your faith, but yours has given me strength and hope. I even started my own blog (www.thedividedlife.blogspot.com) for several reasons, one being that I hope my experience can help others. Your sharing your story so publicly gave me the inspiration to do so.

Even though I have never met you, I think of Carleigh often. You are doing a beautiful job of keeping her memory alive. Her story has blessed so many people, including me. Thank you.

Shauna

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Beautiful Holly and inspirational.
((HUGS))

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

So beautiful. And, I love the words to the song you shared. Perfect.

The "what-could-have-beens" come, don't they? Even years later.

Love to you...

elena said...

Beautiful words, thank you for sharing them! I can definitely relate to this post and have thought these things myself, so again thank you! Remembering Carleigh with you you

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