Wednesday, June 06, 2012

Right Where I Am 2012: 3 years, 2 months, 1 week, and 2 days

I am linking up with Angie over at still life with circles for another round of writing about ‘right where we are’ in our grief. This is my post from last year.

Here I am past 3 years since Carleigh was born. I won’t lie, it has gotten easier. Sad days and moments do not happen as often as they once did. Thoughts of loss and life without her don’t consume my thoughts anymore, but I do still think of her every single day. Perhaps the sadness isn’t profound because of just how busy life is for us these days. I’ve had one rainbow baby already plus I am pregnant and due any day now with our second rainbow baby. Not to forget Carleigh’s big sisters who add to the bunch. These kids keep us on our toes!

I don’t often get time by myself and most of the time when I do it is when I am driving so that is when I think of her most. It’s not hard to find a song either that somehow reminds me of her and our journey.

Trips to the cemetery are a rare occasion now. I still enjoy visiting but time is more limited now. I do make it a point though to go each season and change her flowers. Do I feel guilty for not visiting as much? No, I don’t. I’m in a better place and I don’t feel I have to do as much for her as I once did. It still makes me feel good though when others remember her even though that is not as important as it once was too.

I still miss her a lot. I’m still on this roller coaster and even though my wounds have turned to scars they can still ache. I don’t have expectations of where I should be. I just live each day as it comes and do the best that I can.

15 comments:

Betty said...

Beautiful post Holly. I think I'll link up this weekend. ((((hugs))))

Tesha said...

Very encouraging Holly I hope to be there someday.

DandelionBreeze said...

Thinking of you and your darling daughter xoxo

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

You are beautiful, Holly-girl...and such an encouragement.

Caroline said...

What a great post , always thinking of you & your precious <3 Carleigh <3 both of you mean so much to me. The rest of your beautiful family too.

Hannah Rose said...

Much love, Holly. I am so glad you have such healing from our Lord. <3

Catherine W said...

I also think of my little girl whilst I'm driving. I only have two living children but, even with only two, I do find myself very busy.

I loved your description of scars that can still ache. And you never quite know when they will. But yes, we just live each day as it comes and try our best.

Thinking of you as you wait to welcome another little baby to your family and always remembering your beautiful Carleigh x

Helene said...

I'm glad you don't have any expectations on where you should be. All the "shoulds" generally only mean trouble anyway. I'm sorry your Carleigh is not in your arms. The scars will always ache, but the children bring so much hope and healing. Hoping to read that you've welcomed your second rainbow baby into your family soon.

House of Collinsworth said...

This was so well written and I feel like I am at just about the same place as you in my grief. We will be at the 3 year mark next month...which sometimes is incredibly hard to believe.

I'm finally back into blogging. I seem to remember that you have another blog, but can't find it. Could you facebook me a link? Love ya!

Elena's Echoes said...

I find that so many songs remind me of my daughter as well. Thank you for sharing your heart.

goaliegrl202 said...

Beautiful post and I enjoyed reading this after coming back from an extended blog-reading break.

I found your blog about 1 year ago when I did a project in my human anatomy class on anencephaly. I wanted to learn more about it and the reality of the "disease" I also enjoyed reading your other blog about your daughters and a little bit more in depth about your grieving process and the way you celebrated Carleigh's life. Now it seems as if you have added a privacy element to the blog, and I know this is very odd, but is there a way I can be invited into reading it again.

I know you don't know me personally, but I feel as if I know your story. I cannot empathize with you as this situation has never happened to me (as I am just a high school student), but Carleigh's story touched me in a major way. My email is goaliegrl202@aol.com, and you can contact me from there. Anyway it felt good to read your post and I hope to continue reading.

-Jordyn

Nan & Mike said...

(((HUGS)))

erica said...

This is such a lovely picture of a busy, (mostly) happy life with love and longing for your Carleigh woven through it.

So much love to you and your family

Fireflyforever said...

That last paragraph is perfect. Yes the wounds have turned to scars and yes they still hurt. Feeling released from expectations is a huge thing I think.

Hoping things go well and smoothly with your new rainbow.

Hope's Mama said...

That last line is perfect and really says it all.
xo

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