Thursday, June 09, 2011

Right Where I Am: 8 years 5 months 3 weeks

I’m taking part with Angie at Still Life With Circles and other wonderful women in this community in writing a post about where we are at right now in our grief. Like my other post, I’m just gonna write what comes to my heart. I thought it would be good for me to write about where I am at with Jordan too.


It has been 8 years 5 months and 3 weeks since I made a choice that forever changed my life-having an abortion. Writing that word still gets to me after all these years. It was December 19, 2002 and it was a gloomy, rainy day. It’s a day I tried to forget for 5 years after it happened. I tried to pretend it didn’t happen but stuff like that you push away in your mind and heart always resurfaces at some point.

After my daughter Kyndra was born I struggled a lot with what I had done. I sunk deeper and deeper into a hole that I didn’t know how to escape. My heart and my limbs felt heavy and I felt like there was a perpetual dark cloud over my head. Thanks to God and the bible study Forgiven & Set Free I was able to find healing.

Today, I’m in a really good place with my grief with Jordan. The regret, guilt, and shame are not heavy chains weighing me down anymore. It’s still there and always will be but I have hope and forgiveness through God. I have the hope of one day seeing Jordan in Heaven. I want to tell him as we embrace for the first time how much I do love him and how sorry I am that I made the choice that I did.

I may not think of Jordan as often as Carleigh but he is also in my heart and in my thoughts. I do believe that my grief and healing with Jordan helped me to cope better with my grief with Carleigh. It is because of Jordan that I made the decision before Carleigh to never terminate another pregnancy. It hurt me too much and I didn’t want the wounds to run that deep ever again.

One of the things that is harder with Jordan is that I don’t have anything tangible to remember him by. Nothing that was his. In Ohio, clinics must keep your records for 6 years before destroying them. I tried so desperately to find my records before my 6 years was up. I had hoped there was an ultrasound picture in my file. I called the clinic but it was closed and a new clinic had taken its place and said they couldn’t help me. I called the Department of Health but they said they couldn’t help me either. I even got in touch with Heartbeat International and they also said they couldn’t help. Finally, I gave up. No one seemed to know where the records went after the clinic closed. I still wonder to this day what happened to them.

Jordan does have a special place though. The National Memorial of the Unborn in Chattanooga is kinda the equivalent of the cemetery to us for him. We have a plaque placed on the wall there and a copy of it I have placed in his memory box that I recently received. I love visiting the memorial and we’ve gone there every year in October for the past 3 years. We had planned to again this year but I decided to go to the October 15 Memorial in Minnesota instead.

It still isn’t easy to share my story about Jordan. You never know how people will receive it but I do it because I know that it will help other people who have been through the same thing not feel so alone. Too many women stay silent and suffer alone. It is a very taboo subject.

It is because of Jordan that I have learned not to be so quick to judge others. I was the good Christian girl who was against abortion but yet I still had one partly because I was afraid of what people (especially my parents) would think when they found out I was pregnant at 19. Little did I know then that there are things worse than being unwed and pregnant. But when you’re in a place where fear has taken over your heart and clouded your mind you can’t make sound decisions. I just wish there would’ve been someone who had broken through the fog and made me realize what I was really doing.

I never would have understood a lot of things or helped other people in similar situations had I not walked this road and for that I am grateful for this broken road. If I could take it back I would to have Jordan here, but since I don’t have a time machine I am glad that God has brought good things out of something so terrible.


Jenn said...

Praise God for your journey as hard as it has been for you. I commend you for being so open and honest about Jordan's story. I'm sure there are many women out there you have helped because you have chosen to bare your soul. Precious will be the day you & Jordan are reunited along with Carleigh. I'm sure they are hanging out together right now. <3 Thank you for sharing your stories Holly!

Caroline said...

Such a beautiful post Holly.

Hope's Mama said...

I'm sure yours and Jordan's story helps others as well. I hope you're not too hard on yourself, as someone who is very much pro-choice, you made the best decision you could at the time.
I really admire you for sharing this story, as I know how poorly stories like this can often be received by some people out there.
You're an amazing mama.

AKD said...


Natasha said...

Thanks for sharing this Holly-such a great post. I love that Jordan taught you so many things. I think his story is so very special and I'm know he has touched many lives as you share his story :)


Deanna said...

such a beautiful post.
being open and honest is one of the many things I admire about you. thank you for sharing, you are amazing!!

Mackenzie's Mommy said...

Thank you for sharing your story openly. I cannot relate but it does help me to be slower to judge. I'm go glad you've found some peace after such a life altering experience. You are inspiring :)

Angie said...

I never knew the story of Jordan, thank you for bravely sharing it with us. It takes a strong woman to accept and acknowledge something so tragic and scary. xo

elena said...

I am so glad you are choosing to tell Jordan's story and your journey. I am positive your story has helped so many and will continue to do so in the future. I am also glad you are in a good place with it. I can't pretend to know how you feel, but I am so grateful you have found the courage to speak up about such a "taboo" subject. We were pregnant at 18 so I know the fear that comes with being pregnant at such a young age, it is such a scary thing. Knowing now what we know of course we would do it all differently and feel differently about it, but all we can do is find the signs on our broken roads that will bring us to where we are meant to be.

pennynjon said...

I think it is amazing that you can share Jordan's story the way you do. I am sure it is very helpful to others who have been there and also others who are contemplating abortion. ((hugs))

Mom Putnam said...

I think of that too, and wish maybe there would have been something that I could have done to help you in a positive way.I will tell you honestly that I would have been hurt as any parent would be but that is not the end of the world and I would have loved to had Jordan here to spoil like the girls. But,cant change anything but learn and grow from it and my dear you have immensely. I love you for the little girl I gave birth to and the woman and mother you have become as an adult. My love will be strong and there for you till the last breath I take on earth.
I love you-----------MOM

Melissa said...

Yes! Thank you for sharing this story. Takes guts! You're an amazing mama.

I really came here to say that the 5k/3k I'm going to do is in Colorado. My SIL lives out there and found out about it so we've decided to give it a go.


Debbie said...

I love that you can see how your grief from Jordan and what you learned from Jordan had helped you with Carleigh. I'm really proud of you, and I know God is too. ~Debbie

Sarita Boyette said...

I have read Jordan's story before and I know you miss him and love him, too. He will be waiting for you in Heaven. I can just imagine him & Carleigh playing together in Glory. xoxo

Christy said...

I am glad you wrote this post. I don't know if I ever told you that, one of my favorite bands is Ben Folds, and they sang a song called Brick, and I have it on a mixed cd that I listen to a lot. Each and every time that song comes on, I think of you, and I say a prayer for you and Carleigh and for Jordan.
Hugs, my dear friend.

Stephanie said...

I know I am grateful for you Holly, and all the support you give to us in the dead baby club. You help so many by simply reaching out, reading and posting. Thank you my friend.

Crystal Theresa said...

I know many women are blessed by your openness and honesty with sharing Jordan's story. I'm sorry you were never able to find your records and hope you that you can continue to find ways to create remembrances of your first baby.

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