18 months

Carleigh,

Today it has been 18 months since you were born. I can hardly believe it's been that long. I try to imagine what you would be like at 18 months old but my mind just can't grasp it. I find it hard to picture you as anything but a baby. Now that your little sister is here I remember what it was like to hold you. You were so small. I can imagine what it would be like again to hold your baby hands and to touch your baby feet and to feel the weight of you in my arms. I miss that. I miss you. Every day we get farther and farther from that time. We have our memories but even those won't be as clear as they are today or as they were yesterday. Thank goodness we have pictures to help us remember.

Daddy and I aren't as heavy in our grief as in the beginning and for that we are thankful. We don't want to stay there forever. We're moving forward with you in our hearts. And I think we'll always have a glimpse of you in your sisters. But there are still moments I cry for you. They are moments when I'm by myself with my thoughts or when I hear a song that tugs at my heart and makes me think of you. I am happy though even among those moments.

How can there be so much I want to say but can't find the words to say it? Maybe you know already and there's no need for words. I hope so.

I love you always my sweet girl.

Love, Mommy