Reflecting and looking ahead

It just blows my mind how quickly 2013 went by. I swear that each year I get older the year goes by faster. I did not post very much in 2013. There were times when I thought about and meant to but never got around to it. Free time is not something that comes by easily with 3 little ones running around keeping you on your toes. By the time they go to bed mom is ready to go to bed too (and I often do).

Many special days and holidays have passed in 2013 without me posting about them. I did manage to post about Carleigh’s birthday, but that may be the only one! This past year I’ve sort of unplugged from online things, especially in the latter half of the year. It’s actually quite refreshing freeing yourself from being so “connected”. So far this year I haven’t made any attempt to connect more and I think I am happier for it. I definitely get to spend more time with my girls, which is great for all of us.

As far as blogging, I think I only read a  handful of blog posts from other people. I’ve pretty much given it up. I shut down my family blog and the many blogs I used to read I don’t anymore. At one time, I needed to read and connect through them but I simply don’t anymore. It’s sad in a way since I don’t keep as updated with some people as I used to. However, I’m willing to sacrifice that for the extra time I have. I’ll always be thankful for the healing and friends that blogging brought into my life. So what is in store for Carleigh’s blog? Well, I have no plans to shut it down. I think it is still able to help and comfort those who are looking for it. I still need this space for me too. While I don’t write here like I used to, I like having a place to go when I do. I have made the decision to no longer do the monthly birthday posts that I have done the past 2 years.

I may not be involved much anymore in the blogging babyloss community but I am still involved with SGM. The beginning of 2013 was when Kelly and I became certified SBD Birth & Bereavement Doulas for our Perinatal Hospice & Bereavement Services we offer. In April, we served our first family and we as a ministry have served many since. The year brought more people to us to serve as volunteers for the program both as doulas and photographers. We established a division of our program in the St. Louis area with the help of our friend, Heather. It’s so amazing to see how SGM has grown and to see how God provides for us.

I think I only made it to the cemetery like 3 times in 2013. Surprisingly, I do not feel guilty for that. I wish I could have went more, but it’s just not as easy to go as it used to be. I had meant to go in December to put up some winter flowers but I never did. At this point, I’m not going to even bother. I’ll wait for her birthday and put some new ones up. I really wish I would have had her cremated instead. I could have kept her in our bedroom and gotten a cremation necklace I could wear. Then when my time was over here she could have been buried with me or my ashes could have been put with hers. I’ve actually entertained the thought on several occasions of digging her up and having her cremated. I know that would cost a small fortune to do.

Since this is an update of sorts I guess I’ll talk about how I am doing as far as the whole grief thing. Well, I’m doing fine. Really. Hard days or moments are the rare exception now. Of course, the missing is always there and I’ve learned to deal with that. I can honestly say I am happy with the way that my life is. I have no guilt over being happy and make no apologies to people who can’t be happy for me. It also makes me happy to see my fellow BLMs I have met along this road be happy too.

I actually had one of those “harder moments” not too long ago. I was lying in bed awake, which is unusual for me because when I’m ready to go to bed it doesn’t take me long to go under. I was thinking about Carleigh and what it would be like to be able to see her how she would look today at the age of 4 1/2 years old. I tried to picture it in my mind but the image never really came into focus. The tears welled in my eyes because I wanted it so much but I can’t have it (unless God saw fit to give me that glimpse). It just made me really miss her. Not so much sad but a longing of a mother to hold her child that she never can on this earth.

Believe it or not, I actually plan to post again in the next day or so with a review for a photo engraved necklace I recently received (and totally love). Stay tuned for that!