Today is another 28th. Normally I don’t keep track of them anymore but this one I kept thinking about since it is a half year and I would normally be telling people that Carleigh is 2 1/2 instead of 2 if she were still here with us and people asked how old she was.
It’s hard to believe that I am now 2 1/2 years away from this:
And I still have the rest of my life to go. I wonder at times how I will feel about everything 10, 20, 30+ years down the road. Right now I can’t imagine feeling any different than I do now. I love her, I miss her, and I think of her every single day. If I’m being more specific I have thought of her many times a day for the past 2 1/2 years.
I see the color purple. I am reminded of her. I notice the color purple everywhere I go. It seems more common now than ever before. Perhaps because I am looking for it. I see stars. I think of her and how she is my own shining star. I see a butterfly. Could that be her? I see a baby girl. I long to hold my own baby girl. I see a cute outfit just perfect for her. I only wish she could wear it. I see, I wish, I want.
Just looking at the photo above makes me miss her so much. I want to be able to hold her like that again and touch her skin and caress her sweet cheeks. I want to give her a thousand kisses, which makes me think of the song below.
You’ve been gone now for longer than I want you to be and I know that I likely have many more ahead of me. How can I make it through the rest of this life without you here? I know I can do it as God will give me the strength but it is overwhelming at times to think of it. Your sisters bring me so much joy and through them I feel like I still have a little part of you. I think that helps. The other day I got your blanket out and I held it close. I even put my Carleigh bear in it and held it. While it’s the closest I can get, it isn’t the same.
I have so much I want to say to you but finding the words is so difficult. But I believe that you know it all without me having to say a word. You know my heart and how much love is in it for you. Please send some of your love down here for me. Mommy would really like that.
Loving you now and always,