Wednesday, September 28, 2011

2 1/2 years

Today is another 28th. Normally I don’t keep track of them anymore but this one I kept thinking about since it is a half year and I would normally be telling people that Carleigh is 2 1/2 instead of 2 if she were still here with us and people asked how old she was.

It’s hard to believe that I am now 2 1/2 years away from this:


And I still have the rest of my life to go. I wonder at times how I will feel about everything 10, 20, 30+ years down the road. Right now I can’t imagine feeling any different than I do now. I love her, I miss her, and I think of her every single day. If I’m being more specific I have thought of her many times a day for the past 2 1/2 years.

I see the color purple. I am reminded of her. I notice the color purple everywhere I go. It seems more common now than ever before. Perhaps because I am looking for it. I see stars. I think of her and how she is my own shining star. I see a butterfly. Could that be her? I see a baby girl. I long to hold my own baby girl. I see a cute outfit just perfect for her. I only wish she could wear it. I see, I wish, I want.

Just looking at the photo above makes me miss her so much. I want to be able to hold her like that again and touch her skin and caress her sweet cheeks. I want to give her a thousand kisses, which makes me think of the song below.

You’ve been gone now for longer than I want you to be and I know that I likely have many more ahead of me. How can I make it through the rest of this life without you here? I know I can do it as God will give me the strength but it is overwhelming at times to think of it. Your sisters bring me so much joy and through them I feel like I still have a little part of you. I think that helps. The other day I got your blanket out and I held it close. I even put my Carleigh bear in it and held it. While it’s the closest I can get, it isn’t the same.
I have so much I want to say to you but finding the words is so difficult. But I believe that you know it all without me having to say a word. You know my heart and how much love is in it for you. Please send some of your love down here for me. Mommy would really like that.
Loving you now and always,


Deanna said...

We are nearing 2 1/2 years too. It's just hard to believe. Most days seem ok, even though I want to talk about him and will use any excuse to do so. It seems like forever since I held him, but I remember like it was yesterday. Thank you for sharing this picture, so sweet. Remembering Carleigh with you!

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Always thinking about you and your sweet Carleigh. ((HUGS))

Mary said...

le 28 a un goût particulier pour moi aussi mais je porte votre fille à travers ce chiffre...
elle est ici sous bien des formes et je la vois aussi. Sa maman à travers la douleur a su me rendre la vue et je vois le monde d'une façon bien différente

Caroline said...

Thinking of you & your precious <3 Carleigh <3
{{{Hugs }}}
From all of us
The Croley's

Sarita Boyette said...

Holly, you know how long Meredith has been gone & I feel the same way you do. The nearly heartstopping grief has appeased, but I do think of her several times a day and it makes me feel good when someone does the same. A handyman was here the other day, & seeing the pictures of our family on the wall, asked how many children we had. My husband told him & did not leave her out. He always mentions her if someones asks that question. (((HUGS))) to you on this day and every day. Sending love to Carleigh.

Lisette said...

I can relate this post on so many levels.
Such a beautiful picture ((HUGS))

Nat said...

Thinking of you Holly. She's so beautiful and you're a most beatiful Mom too :)

tomandcheryl said...

Thinking of you today (well almost every day) Holly! All your Carleigh posts are so beautifully written! I am glad that in the 10, 20, 30+ years you will have them to look back on.

Stacy said...

she does look so huggable. She is just perfect. Thinking of you ♥

Trisha Larson said...

Sending you extra love this week.


Holly said...

Oh sweet Holly. Big hugs. I can't imagine still feeling this way in two years....the pain is still so fresh for me. But I know it will be the same. And my heart aches for you, knowing that we all hurt together. {{{Carleigh}}}}

KnottedFingers said...

Oh Holly. The 1/2 years seem just as painful as the whole ones sometimes. The photo of you and Carleigh is heart touching and I'm thinking of you always

Amy von Oven said...

I think about Bethany being 2 and 1/2 so much, and all that we should be doing. I miss her so much. I know how you feel....Where has the time gone? Thinking about you and your sweet girl! said...

Thinking of you and Carleigh xoxo

brigette said...

What a lovely post. I also wonder how I will feel in 10, 20 years. Its hard to imagine that long with out them. You are an amazing, strong woman!! Much love mama

MommyIvy said...

I dont think the feeling will ever change. I never got to hold my little ones. One should be 5 years old. I often think what it would be like to have a 5, 3, and 2 year old. The other one would be 2. I wish to know what it was like to have him/her here also, but then I wouldnt have my precious Amelia.

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