Today is another 28th. Normally I don’t keep track of them anymore but this one I kept thinking about since it is a half year and I would normally be telling people that Carleigh is 2 1/2 instead of 2 if she were still here with us and people asked how old she was.
It’s hard to believe that I am now 2 1/2 years away from this:
And I still have the rest of my life to go. I wonder at times how I will feel about everything 10, 20, 30+ years down the road. Right now I can’t imagine feeling any different than I do now. I love her, I miss her, and I think of her every single day. If I’m being more specific I have thought of her many times a day for the past 2 1/2 years.
I see the color purple. I am reminded of her. I notice the color purple everywhere I go. It seems more common now than ever before. Perhaps because I am looking for it. I see stars. I think of her and how she is my own shining star. I see a butterfly. Could that be her? I see a baby girl. I long to hold my own baby girl. I see a cute outfit just perfect for her. I only wish she could wear it. I see, I wish, I want.
Just looking at the photo above makes me miss her so much. I want to be able to hold her like that again and touch her skin and caress her sweet cheeks. I want to give her a thousand kisses, which makes me think of the song below.
Carleigh, You’ve been gone now for longer than I want you to be and I know that I likely have many more ahead of me. How can I make it through the rest of this life without you here? I know I can do it as God will give me the strength but it is overwhelming at times to think of it. Your sisters bring me so much joy and through them I feel like I still have a little part of you. I think that helps. The other day I got your blanket out and I held it close. I even put my Carleigh bear in it and held it. While it’s the closest I can get, it isn’t the same. I have so much I want to say to you but finding the words is so difficult. But I believe that you know it all without me having to say a word. You know my heart and how much love is in it for you. Please send some of your love down here for me. Mommy would really like that. Loving you now and always, Mommy
As a mom to a child born with anencephaly it’s important to me that there is a site out there that gives honest and helpful information about anencephaly. One of those sites is anencephaly info. Too often there is misinformation out there about anencephaly and sadly many parents never come across the right information. I am so thankful that the creator of this site, Monika Jaquier, has put such a wealth of information together. Monika has been a big advocate for all of us with anencephalic children. If you need any type of information Monika is the person to go to. She’s worked with studies and doctors and has loads of experience in gathering data across the globe about anencephaly. Thank you Monika for all the work you have done!
Along with Carleigh’s story, there are stories of many others. There are resources and information for parents and also pictures of our babies. These pictures are quite important as they show our babies beautifully. Pictures on any search engine are very clinical and don’t represent our babies and how they truly are. In fact, these pictures can be downright frightening for parents with a recent anencephaly diagnosis.
If you are currently carrying a child with anencephaly or know someone who is please send them to this site!! The site can be read in 10 different languages.
Many thanks to Deanna Roy, author of Baby Dust, for allowing me to review her book. When I received the email from Deanna it was quite uncanny timing as I had just added her book to my list of books I wanted to read. So naturally I jumped at the chance to read it.
I had actually read the first chapter of the book on Deanna’s website before I had received an email from her. Reading the first chapter is what really caught my attention and I knew this book would be unlike any I had read before. Most books are nonfiction and are people telling their own stories. This book is fiction based on the true stories of women gathered by Deanna.
The book tells the stories of 5 women-Melinda, Dot, Tina, Janet, and Stella- who have lost their babies at varying gestations and in varying ways. I’m glad that each story is a little different. Each story is very believable and real. I could relate to moments and emotions that these women experienced and felt. I believe other women who read this book and have experienced loss will feel the same. I hope those who haven’t lost read this book too so they can get a glimpse of what life can be like after losing your baby.
One of my favorite quotes (the last sentence especially) from the book is this: ”What horror to face, to choose the moment of your child’s death, to see the machines whir to a stop, the monitors to beep, the line of the heartbeat to go flat. No one really recovers from that.”
I don’t want to get too much into the book as I don’t want to “ruin” anything for anyone who wants to read it but I will say that this book is a MUST READ. Once I started reading the book I wanted to keep reading it until I finished. I became involved in each of the characters and hoped for them like I do for any of my baby loss friends. Even the kinship of their circle reminded me of the community I have become a part of here online.
So my recommendation about the book? Buy it and read it!!
Because I loved the book so much I want to give away my signed copy of the book from Deanna to one of my readers. To enter just leave a comment and I will announce the winner on Friday.
Thank you again Deanna for the opportunity to review your book!
Baby Dust is a not yet released novel (release date is October 2011) by Deanna Roy and published by Casey Shay Press. I was contacted by Deanna and asked if I would like to review the book and of course I said yes! I had already caught wind of this book and it intrigued me. Once I knew about the book I wanted to read it. So to start out I’d like to allow my readers to learn a little more about the book Baby Dust and the author, Deanna Roy, through questions answered by her. I will review the book in another post.
What gave you the idea to write Baby Dust? I had been running my miscarriage website (www.pregnancyloss.info) for about 8 years and recommending the best books on loss. I noticed something was missing-a book that really got behind the scenes of women’s lives after they lost a baby. What their husbands did. How their coworkers treated them. How they managed being around pregnant women. These are things we don’t always share, and so when it happens to us, we don’t know the pitfalls ahead. I decided to try writing it.
Had you written a novel before? I’ve been a writer forever! Baby Dust was actually the third full-length book I wrote. But it’s the first to be published. I’m more known for my funny articles about being a writer who never gets any respect. Baby Dust was super-serious. A different tone from my published work, but very much in line with the writing on my website.
Were there difficulties in managing these stories? Certainly. I cried a LOT. (Still do, almost every day.) I was particularly touched by several anecdotes. One was a step-mother who reconciles with her step0daughter by making an angel scrapbook for the lost baby. I put that in the book. Another was the couple who cremated their baby in a campfire as they were out in the woods when it happened. And the story of the woman who watched the heartbeat go to zero on the monitor. I just couldn’t have imagined some of these details.
But you lost three babies yourself, right? Yes, My first loss was at 20 weeks gestation. I was teaching high school, and my students were waiting for me to call with the gender. I never called them. When we got to the doctor, we found the baby didn’t have a heartbeat.
And so you started the web site. Exactly. I had already resigned my teaching job, as the due date would interfere with the start of the student publications, which I was advised. So I ended up with no job and no baby. Worst summer of my life. I spent it learning HTML and putting up a fledgling little site, mainly because so little was out there to tell you what to expect.
What did you hope Baby Dust would achieve? Well, my greatest hope is that it will help other women see that they are not crazy or alone. Sometimes we do things that other people can’t understand.
Like what? Oh, I used to hug the tree we planted. I mean full on, sit on the ground, legs and arms wrapped around the trunk. Women stepped up with some heart-stopping stories. The placenta in the freezer was one. I understand not wanting to let things go. Many women talked about trying to figure out how to bury their babies.
What’s one message you want women to take from the book? For those who have had losses, I really hope they take Stella’s message to heart. We are survivors. And survivors can’t always act like everyone else. Sometimes we have to do what we have to do to get by. For those who haven’t lost a baby, I hope they recognize how important their word and reaction are to baby loss moms. A small comforting gesture goes a very long way. A card is kept forever. Seriously, forever.
But undermining her pain might end the friendship for good saying “It was God’s plan” or “At least you were only X weeks along” is about the worst thing you could do. I hope they get a chance to understand how our grief works.
What is one thing that has surprised you? There was one shock. I asked women to send me audio recordings of their voices answering several questions for the book trailer. I got recordings from all over the world-Russia, Ireland, Australia, London, Mexico, the US. And in answer to the last question, “What is one thing you’d like to see changed about loss?” they all said the same thing.
“I’d like to be able to talk about my losses.” ”I want to end the silence about loss.” ”I want to feel free to bring up the subject of my baby.”
All over the world, the same thing. So that’s what I’m setting out to change.
Here is peek at the video trailer for Baby Dust courtesy of Deanna:
If you are a member of this babylost community then it is very likely you have heard of a ministry called Molly Bears. In short, this ministry provides families with a bear weighted to the exact weight that their baby was. (To read the entire Molly Bear story CLICK HERE.) What a wonderful thing to provide for families. It is a great comfort to be able to hold something that was the exact same weight as your baby.
A while ago I put my name on the Molly Bear waiting list and I was #591. I decided just recently to ask about getting my own bear weighted. My friend Tamberly sent me a message saying if I sent my bear to her she would do it for me.
I sent my bear off on August 26th. The bear is just a simple bear I got from Walmart. It actually came with a tshirt but I took it off. This is the same kind of bear I donated to our hospital on Carleigh’s 2nd birthday and Kyndra and Lainey each have one to snuggle too. The bear is about 12 1/2 inches and so it’s about the length of what Carleigh was as she was 13 1/2 inches. Along with the bear I sent some yarn that is the same yarn that Carleigh’s blanket is made out of and also a heart with her name on it to go inside the bear. The heart is actually from Lea and it came with wings but the wings were too big to fit in the bear well so I had to take them off.
On September 3rd, I got my Carleigh Bear from Tamberly. What a wonderful surprise it was! Tamberly was able to weight my bear exactly as she wasn’t sure if she could fit all the weight in since the bear was so small, but she made it work and that made me quite happy! She put a purple flower and purple buttons on my bear and also a bow from the yarn I sent. Thank you Tamberly! I just love my bear!
It was so odd holding 3 lbs 15 oz in my arms again. It seemed so much heavier than I remember but the bear sure fit perfectly on my shoulder just like I used to hold Carleigh. I could’ve carried that bear around all day just like that.
Next I showed the bear to my girls. Kyndra thought it was pretty neat and I explained to her that the bear weighed just as much as Carleigh when she was born.
Lainey just loves teddy bears so she was all about snuggling with it but she couldn’t hold it by herself because she would fall over.
My bear was funded in honor of Reese. Many thanks! I hope to donate in the future to be able to provide bears for others.
Connor ~ September 1, 2006 Evan ~ September 1, 2011 Megan ~ September 2, 2008 Shyla ~ September 2, 2009 Peyton ~ September 4, 2009
Tiffany ~ September 4, 2009 Sebastian ~ September 4, 2011 Samantha ~ September 5, 2008 Morgan ~ September 8, 2008 Audrey ~ September 10, 2009 Baby E ~ September 11, 2008 Ethan & Jacob ~ September 13, 2009 Briar ~ September 13, 2010 Andrew ~ September 15, 2003 Layla ~ September 15, 2008 Sienna ~ September 15, 2010
Trinadee ~ September 15, 2009 Everett ~ September 16, 2008 Ryan ~ September 17, 2010 Evel ~ September 18, 2009 Fisher ~ September 18, 2009 Hunter ~ September 19, 2009 Hannah ~ September 21, 2009 Brayden ~ September 22, 2009 Lucy ~ September 24, 2009 Tristan ~ September 27, 2009 Ciaran ~ September 30, 2009 Zoey ~ September 30, 2010
Sorry if I have left anyone out and if I have please leave a comment so that I may add your baby to the list.
My Forever Child- Remembrance Jewelry, Memorial Keepsakes, Sympathy and Decorative Gifts to comfort those touched by the loss of a Child. Personalized, Engraved & Handcrafted Miscarriage-Pregnancy Loss Bracelets, Baby-Infant Footprints Charms, Custom Necklace Pendants with your child's Footprint, Handprint image or photograph.
Please feel free to email me with any questions, comments, etc. I just love hearing from you! If you are carrying a child with a fatal diagnosis or have lost a child and need some direction feel free to email me at caring4carleigh at yahoo dot com.
From a Lullaby to Goodbye
Contains Carleigh's story as told here. Click picture to buy.
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