Thursday, July 22, 2010

Just one of those everyday reminders

I don't think a day ever goes by that I'm not reminded in some way of Carleigh. Some days those reminders are happy ones and others they are sad. Today was a sad one.

We had Carleigh's service over a year ago on April 4, 2009. It was a Saturday. We had chosen to have it over the weekend even though it cost more so that more family and friends could make the trip to be there. I had chosen only one song to be played at the service aside from the music in Carleigh's slideshow. The song was He Will Carry Me by Mark Schultz.

I'm not completely sure why I chose only this song but it's the one that stayed in my mind when my pastor asked me if we wanted any songs played. Perhaps it is the words in the song. Even today they speak of the time when I felt broken and the only thing carrying me on was God. He gave me the strength to get through everything we had and were currently going through. He still gives me strength today.

I stopped by the post office after work and the song came on right after I turned on the car. It immediately took me back to that time. Sitting in the pew holding my daughter so close in my arms as my husband held me while the song was played. Hearing the words and crying that it had to be this way. I remember wondering if people were listening to the words. Really listening. Because it was how I felt and I wanted them to know it.

I call, You hear me
I’ve lost it all
And it’s more than I can bear
I feel so empty
You’re strong
I’m weary
I’m holdin’ on
But I feel like givin’ in
But still You’re with me

Chorus:
And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

I know I’m broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You’re always with me

Chorus

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I’ve never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You’d see me through the storm

Chorus

I sang the song through tears as I drove. After the song was over I felt the missing of her even more. It feels like so long ago since I last held her. I wish I could hold her again, but I know that one moment more wouldn't be enough. I need and I want a lifetime with her. I don't like that I have to wait to see her again but I have no choice.

And there have been other reminders today that have made me miss her, like Amanda's precious daughter's pictures. Her little hands and feet remind me of pictures taken not too long ago of my own little girl.

Oh, if only to hold those little hands or to touch those little feet again.....

16 comments:

Mary said...

It is amazing how the little triggers can just take you back in an instant! And even though you feel you are healing and living, in that one second you feel every emotion you did in the beginning and your heart feels just as broken. In some ways it is so painful and in other ways, it makes me feel close to her again...

Misty said...

Feeling my losses along with yours, especially today, too....

Trisha Larson said...

I am sorry that today was sad. Sending you big hugs!!!

Trisha

House of Collinsworth said...

Those reminders can be so difficult, yet so beautiful. It's proof that our children were here...they were real and they won't be forgotten. HUGS!!!

Jennifer Ross said...

"but I know that one moment more wouldn't be enough."..... that's exactly how I feel. Tears filled my eyes as I read this post. I can feel your pain. Praying you feel better soon.... It's ok to feel sad, it keeps life real.

Sarita Boyette said...

I'm sorry for your sadness, Holly.
I wish that you could have Carleigh with you. I certainly understand that you can be going along OK in your grief journey and some little thing will bring the memories flooding back. Praying for you, dear friend.xoxoxo

Jaime said...

Oh, I feel your pain too.

If only I could hold my Sweet Little Claire's hand one more time... so tiny it fit on my pinky fingernail... so perfect in every way.

xo

brigette said...

So sorry Holly. Days like that hit hard and make your heart sting. Sending many prayers and hugs your way!

Shandrea said...

Just want to send you some love holly. Know that you are in my prayers.

croleyc69 said...

Sending you some {{HUGS}}
This past wk I have had sadness remembering my babies. I'm sorry you felt sad.

Caroline

mary said...

Je sais que tu donnerais tout pour avoir quelques intants avec elle.
A chaques journées qui s'écoulent tu te rapproches de ta fille.
Il y aura toujours des journées plus difficiles mais elles nous font apprécier les journées ou tout va bien.
Demain sera un autre jour et je suis sur qu'il sera beau !

Mary said...

I love the little reminders, but not so much the sad ones. I wish I were there to cry with you! I am feeling very sad lately thinking of Amiee also. HUGS!

Just Breathe said...

((HUGS)) I can only imagine the pain you feel when you hear that song. It is a beautiful song. I am so sorry for your sorrow.

amanda said...

ohhh you made me cry. when i look at evaleigh i'm reminded of the two babies before her that i've yet to meet...and know she wouldn't be here if they were. and i'm so blessed that she is here. sorry to remind you of 'sad' memories, but i know that you're thankful for the memories you have. God remains good. praying!!

elena said...

Definitely can relate to how you feel today. Wishing we can hold our babies just for a little longer but knowing it would never be enough. Its just tough.

Mary said...

I too have had some very hard days after hearing song that remind me of our little boy. It does make me miss him even more. I HOPE that your days get better.

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