Just one of those everyday reminders

I don't think a day ever goes by that I'm not reminded in some way of Carleigh. Some days those reminders are happy ones and others they are sad. Today was a sad one.

We had Carleigh's service over a year ago on April 4, 2009. It was a Saturday. We had chosen to have it over the weekend even though it cost more so that more family and friends could make the trip to be there. I had chosen only one song to be played at the service aside from the music in Carleigh's slideshow. The song was He Will Carry Me by Mark Schultz.

I'm not completely sure why I chose only this song but it's the one that stayed in my mind when my pastor asked me if we wanted any songs played. Perhaps it is the words in the song. Even today they speak of the time when I felt broken and the only thing carrying me on was God. He gave me the strength to get through everything we had and were currently going through. He still gives me strength today.

I stopped by the post office after work and the song came on right after I turned on the car. It immediately took me back to that time. Sitting in the pew holding my daughter so close in my arms as my husband held me while the song was played. Hearing the words and crying that it had to be this way. I remember wondering if people were listening to the words. Really listening. Because it was how I felt and I wanted them to know it.

I call, You hear me
I’ve lost it all
And it’s more than I can bear
I feel so empty
You’re strong
I’m weary
I’m holdin’ on
But I feel like givin’ in
But still You’re with me

Chorus:
And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

I know I’m broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You’re always with me

Chorus

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I’ve never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said You’d see me through the storm

Chorus

I sang the song through tears as I drove. After the song was over I felt the missing of her even more. It feels like so long ago since I last held her. I wish I could hold her again, but I know that one moment more wouldn't be enough. I need and I want a lifetime with her. I don't like that I have to wait to see her again but I have no choice.

And there have been other reminders today that have made me miss her, like Amanda's precious daughter's pictures. Her little hands and feet remind me of pictures taken not too long ago of my own little girl.

Oh, if only to hold those little hands or to touch those little feet again.....