Monday, July 05, 2010

15 months & 4th of July

Thought I would do a 2-in-1 post since it takes me forever now to get out a post on either of my blogs since the time I usually use to do that is now spent taking naps.

June 28th was 15 months. I actually totally forgot what day it actually was til Caroline reminded me and then I had to count to see how many months it had been. I figured it was 15 or 16 but wasn't sure. And does it even really matter? Prolly not. I didn't do anything special. In fact, I can't even remember what I did that day or what day of the week it was without looking at the calendar. This may be in part due to pregnancy brain. At least that's what I will claim. Makes sense to me because I have been more forgetful and absentminded lately.

As for how I (we) are doing. All I can say is good. Life is so busy or at least feels that way right now. I guess it's because my stepdaughter Hannah is with us right now for the summer and having an extra person in your house can make things a lot busier, especially when that person is full of energy (and when I don't have as much)! As always, we miss Carleigh but the grief isn't like what it used to be. We have a lot more hope and happiness and life feels about as normal as it can get with a dead baby.

I have had a few moments in the past month where I could feel the tears. The one I remember is when I heard Carleigh's song on the radio. Every time it comes on I have to sing along and I can never get through the entire song without choking up at some point. The song doesn't get played as often as it used to so I love it when I get to hear it. And there are lots of times when I try to picture what she might be like today if she were here with us. I see the pictures of the babies that were in the same due date group and it's just so hard to fathom her being that big because in my mind I always see the 3 lb 15 oz little bundle I held in my arms.

I write about my pregnancy with Lainey on my other blog but I feel I want to write a little bit here too since pregnancy after loss is a part of the journey with Carleigh too. Right now I am 27 weeks and am very happy to be this far along with no problems so far. Lainey is looking perfectly happy and we are overjoyed to know that. The first trimester was filled with worry and fear about miscarriage. Nobody wants it to happen to them but you know it's gonna happen to somebody. You just hope and pray it isn't you. I felt a little relief in reaching the second trimester and again on reaching 24 weeks. Pregnancy after loss definitely isn't carefree like previous pregnancies. I have had more worries, fears, anxieties, etc. And even now I still use the word 'if' a lot (and did you notice how I used 'so far' up above too?). I use these words because I know nothing for sure. I trust God completely to bring us through this pregnancy though. Even though this pregnancy has had it's share of anxieties, overall it's been pretty great. I've enjoyed experiencing this all over again and know how much the little moments mean.

We went out to the cemetery after church on the Fourth. It was such a beautiful day! I didn't think of it until we were already there that it would've been neat to have some sparklers or something during the visit. Maybe I'll remember that sooner next year. Kyndra picked lots of little clover flowers for Carleigh and put them in her arrangement. She was really happy doing that. (BTW the lollipop in the 1st pic is Kyndra's. No way was she leaving that behind!) Carleigh will definitely be needing some new flowers by the end of summer. They are already starting to get weathered and faded but I hesitate to take something else out there now because I know it'll quickly get that way too. So I think I will wait until September and break out the fall flowers then.

I think that they may need to put more dirt on top of Carleigh's grave because it is starting to sink again. I actually almost tripped walking over it. You can't tell it dips down because of the grass. I dunno, maybe they'll just leave it the way it is. The dip doesn't really bother me at all. I just have to remember it's there so I don't trip myself every time I visit.


Sarita Boyette said...

I certainly understand being anxious about a pregnancy after loss. You are in my prayers every day for a continued safe pregnancy. It's hard to believe Carleigh has been in Heaven so many months - hugs to all of you.

Lucy and Ethel said...

So glad to hear things are going well for you!


Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

Love to you, my friend...pregnancy after a loss is a lot different. I love the glimpses of joy you have, though...and I can "hear" the healing in your words...even as you miss your sweet Carleigh.

Love and continued prayers...

Lori said...

There's something really precious about the picture with Kyndra putting her flowers in the arrangement...with her little lolli at the side. Just such a contrast in the innocence of a childhood and the weight of the loss of a family member combined...I think that's a really beautiful picture.

The McDaniel 3 said...

What a great update. I have been wondering how you have been when it comes to Carleigh and in this post I am assured that you are doing the best you can all things considered

AKD said...

I absolutely understand the fear of a pregnancy after loss, and am sending you hugs and love. Also sending love to Carleigh.

Just Breathe said...

Glad your doing well. Wow 27 weeks, that is great. Love the dress that Kyndra is wearing. She is growing up so fast. Enjoy your time with Hannah.

croleyc69 said...

Glad your doing well. I remember carrying Carly and how nervous I got at times. It is tough at moments. I thiink you do great. I love Kyndra's dress. Sending you {{HUGS}} and I always think of Carleigh so much. We love all of you.


Cecilia said...

I had wondered how things were different with this pregnancy, thanks for sharing!

For the sinking ground, depending on how bad it is you may be able to sand it. When we had a house, we filled in a few low spots with sand and the grass grows up through it. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

pregnancy after loss is so hard. *hugs* Praying for you and Lainey.

elena said...

would definitely feel worried and anxious if Jim and I got pregnant again. I would also use the same words "if" "so far"

I love how Kyndra did not leave her lollipop, it looked really good :) I hope she enjoyed it. So sweet of her to pick clover flowers and put them in her sister's vase.

Carleigh's flowers are beautiful, I can not wait to make arrangements for Lilly.

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