Monday, December 28, 2009

9 months

Today was 9 months since Carleigh's birth.

The day went just fine. I worked and my mind was kept engrossed enough in that and a book that I actually didn't think about it much. When I got home Hannah was getting ready to leave so I didn't get to see her much and after she left I was busy putting away all the stuff we lugged home from Christmas. That was fun (yeah right).

So, how am I doing?

I'm doing pretty well. I am happy almost every day. I have my moments when it hits me, like driving home on Sunday from Christmas. A trip that normally takes a little over 2 hours took about 4 hours because of the weather and everyone driving slow. I just felt it then so pretty much the whole way home I listened to Carleigh's complete playlist on my phone, even when I dozed off. I cried a little. It's easy for me to cry in the dark. Nobody can see me then.

It's still easier for me to get upset about things quicker and I still don't like big crowds, but I'm getting better. When I feel myself start to get irritated I talk myself down in my head. I ask myself, "Is this really worth getting upset over?" And most of the time it isn't so I self-prescribe a chill pill. Hubby is prolly the worst at getting me going. We know how to annoy each other well. He's also much better than me at making up too because I can be so stubborn.

I still try to visit Carleigh once a week but I imagine this winter it may be less because of the weather. If it doesn't get too bad I'll keep going once a week. I guess even if it does snow a lot I could keep going but I'd just have to invest in a pair of snow boots, which would be nice to have anyway.

I have finally gotten the stamps made of her hand and foot prints like I've been wanting to do for a while. They turned out pretty good and are the actual size of her prints. I actually used them for the first time last night to write a couple thank you notes. Now I can stamp them in her Dreams of You memory book. I'm almost done completing that book. Seems like I've been working on it forever.

It's hard to believe it's been 9 months already. Time slips by so fast and in just a few days we'll be welcoming a new year. God is still my Provider and Comforter. I've definitely learned in this journey that I am nothing without Him. It is Him that has carried me through all of this and I give Him all the glory.

Happy 9 months in Heaven, Carleigh. Mommy loves you!


Jill said...

I too cry in the dark. It is easier when no one can see me so I can have my tears and not have to explain them.

I visit Emma and Chase at least once a week. We have so much snow now and I hate that their marker and bench get covered so I always want to go and clear them off.

Happy 9 months in Heaven, Carleigh!


croleyc69 said...

I'm glad the day went well for you. I thought of you and Carleigh. Happy 9 months in heaven. It's really something how fast time goes by. I like to cry in the dark to or after everyone is gone to bed.
Sending you Prayers and {{HUGS}}

Heather said...

Happy 9 months in Heaven, Carleigh!

I find I cry more in the dark too. I feel like no one can see me and I feel like I don't need to hold back when it's dark and especially when I'm alone.

I'm glad you are hanging in there.

Mary Ellen said...

Thinking of you today! Glad to hear you are having more good days than bad. I think the dark does hide a lot of tears for all of us loss mommies.

Bree said...

Thinking of you, Carleigh!

We had our nine months a couple of weeks ago, too. I do have a lot more happy moments now. I can laugh or enjoy something without feeling guilty. But, like you I still don't like huge crowds. I really don't like social events at all. I still feel like the elephant in the room.

Can't wait to see your stamps!

Franchesca Cox said...

Happy 9 months in Heaven, Carleigh!

AKD said...

You put it so very well. I also find it easier to cry when nobody is around, when I'm holding Maddie's urn privately.

Happy 9 months, Carleigh!

Just Breathe said...


Kelli with Love said...

Holly, you are such an inspiration to others. Even though you have your tough moments (and I think we all cry in the dark!), you always seem to see the best. You are a wonderful "blog" friend! Sorry you'll be out for a bit...can't wait til your back! Love!

Elizabeth said...

It's so much easier to cry in the dark. No worry of people looking at you or saying anything to you to make it worse. You can have your moment and feel a little better after you're done. Happy 9 months Carleigh. *hugs*

My Very Own Angel said...

Happy 9th Heavenly month Carleigh. Gosh time goes by so fast. I still remember how I even came to find you on cafemom.

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