Dear Carleigh

I don’t often write letters to you anymore mostly because time is a thing it seems I keep having less and less of. It’s a busy world that’s for sure. But Faces of Loss encouraged us to write a letter this month. I figured why not just do it today?

We just entered another year and it’s hard to believe sometimes that in just a couple months you would be 3 years old. I’d love to know what a 3 year old you would look and act like. Lord knows I’ve been missing you every day since you left us. My eyes long to see your face again. My arms ache to feel your touch. If only I could kiss those sweet cheeks just one more time…

This past year I have come to accept that not everyone will remember you like I do and that’s ok. I’ll always hold you in my heart. The whole world could forget about you but I never would and that’s all that matters. I held you the closest while you lived and I will hold you the closest until I die.

I have also accepted that it’s ok that I don’t visit the cemetery as often as I did. It used to bring me so much comfort to go and while it still does, it isn’t as important as it once was. I do still like to bring you pretty things though and give you new flowers. I want to always do that, even if I live to 90. If I can’t walk I’ll get me one of those power chairs. Wouldn’t that be a sight!?

My heart has healed some more over the past year but no amount of time will ever make it completely better. I know that it is ok to be happy and go on without you. I don’t feel like it’s leaving you behind because that is impossible for me to do. You can never be completely in my past because you continue to be my present and you are my future.

I know in my heart you are ok up in Heaven but I still wonder how you are. What do you do up there? Can you see me down here? Can you feel my love? Do you know how much I miss you? I hope you do.

Love always,
Mommy