First visit in 4 years

Today as part of my training in becoming a stillbirthday birth and bereavement doula I visited the funeral home that we used for Carleigh. I have drove by the funeral home many times. I pass it every time I go to work, but I have never set foot back in there since her last visitation. It has been almost 4 years since I have been back there. Leading up to my assignment I admit I was a bit weepy. Just thinking of going back there brought up a lot of emotions and memories. The funeral home was very kind to us so there is nothing negative about our experience with them. It's just one of those things.

I was surprised that it went much better than I expected. Upon entering the building the first thing I noticed was the smell. It smelled the same way it did back then. It was oddly comforting.

The funeral director I spoke with was the one that I gave Carleigh to after we left the hospital and I reminded him of that. He was very nice and receptive to everything and even contacting me if a family is in need of birth/bereavement support once I complete my doula training. As we were talking about what they offer and what parents choose he mentioned that a mother several years ago even kept her baby with her overnight at the hospital because she was not ready to let go yet and needed more time with her baby. I'm like, "uh, yeah, that was me." :)

So, even 4 years later I'm still working on getting through the "firsts". (Maybe this is the last one??) I do think that if I had visited earlier in my grief it would have been more difficult but I'm in a better place. I've had healing and perspective on my side, but even with that it doesn't erase the missing. Visiting today has magnified the missing.

I have grasped at the memories of those moments with her there that we had-the heart-shattering goodbye, dressing her, holding her, the visitation. I have the need to remember more since this is the month of her birthday and it's fast approaching.

My little girl would be four. ♥

A first visit

On Sunday, August 25th after church we went to the cemetery for Evanee’s first visit to Carleigh. It was my first visit in 5 months. The last time I was there was for Carleigh’s birthday. I wish I could visit more often but it’s so hard to find the time now that we have three little girls earth side instead of just one. It’s a lot easier to pack up one and go than three.

I wish instead of a headstone there was a fourth little girl in the picture with us.

It was a beautiful, warm day. Would’ve been a perfect one for just sitting at her grave by myself. Maybe some day soon.

Visit to NMU

President’s Day weekend my friend Kelly and I (along with the girls) made a trip to Chattanooga, TN. Anthony and I didn’t get to make a trip down in October like we usually do so one was planned for February. The plan was to visit the National Memorial for the Unborn (NMU) and meet up with some BLMs. We wanted to try and meet up with some hospitals in the area to for Sufficient Grace Ministries but that didn’t end up happening. We also only ended up meeting with one BLM, our friend Cecilia. It was a little disappointing not being able to meet up with more but we certainly enjoyed our time with Cecilia. (Thank you for coming!)

On Saturday morning we went to NMU and met up with Cecilia there. We got there a little before 10 am and the girls certainly enjoyed exploring around.

After Cecilia arrived and some more time outside we all went inside the memorial where the wall of plaques are located. All of my stuff that I left for Jordan is still sitting on the wall and it’s so nice to see it still there. (Eventually they remove items that have been there for a while to make room for new items.) The poem that I wrote is on the left beside Jordan’s certificate of life. On the right of the certificate is the momma and baby bear I left. On this trip I brought a yellow silk rose for Jordan. All of the items sit below Jordan’s plaque on the wall.

There is no doubt when you visit this place that you know it is sacred ground. You can feel it. I knew at some point I’d prolly get a little teary eyed and I was right. It’s hard not too in a place such as this. Every plaque you see on this wall (and there are many more that you don’t see) is a plaque placed for a baby or babies lost to abortion. This is such a healing place for so many who live with such terrible pain.

Of course before we left we had to get some pictures together!!

Kelly and I had hoped to be able to place the brick pavers that we ordered in the garden during our visit but sadly our pavers were not in yet and Katrina, who does work for NMU, wasn’t able to meet up with us that morning to do a tour either due to a family emergency. She said to go ahead and pick the place that we wanted our pavers placed and this is where I selected for mine. Kelly picked spots to the right of mine. The pavers in the garden are for children who are lost to stillbirth and miscarriage.

After our visit to NMU we went to eat lunch at a local Olive Garden. That whole meal was sort of a blur for me and I didn’t get much conversation in with having to tend to the girls, which was a bummer since I would have liked to talk to Cecilia more but we mommas know how that goes!

Kelly and I spent the rest of Saturday in the area and we went out to dinner later that night and then left Sunday morning to come back home.

Overall, the trip was really great and we had a good time. Thanks to Kelly for making the trip with me!

Carleigh's ornament & cemetery on video

I got a lovely surprise today at work from one of my coworkers. Sharon buys a Hallmark ornament for our babies' first Christmas so we can hang it on the tree. She brought an ornament in for my other coworker and also for me. I just thought it was so nice of her to remember me and Carleigh. I don't think a lot of people would think to do that for us. So thank you so much, Sharon!!

The ornament is absolutely perfect. It's in the shape of a heart and has a place where I can put a photo of her in and it has the words 'Remembered with love' below the picture. All around the picture there are stars. On the back of the ornament there are stars surrounding the saying 'The true testament of a life well-lived is the love we leave behind'. I just need to figure out what picture I want to put in it now!

I usually like to visit Carleigh at the cemetery at least once a week. However, the weather has been less than favorable lately (rain) so I haven't made it out for a couple weeks now. Today was a pretty nice day so Kyndra and I seized the opportunity to visit her. I also wanted to check on her flowers to make sure they hadn't blown away again, which they hadn't thank goodness.

I decided to video our little visit with my cell phone. Kyndra just makes these visits so much fun. (Sorry if I am really loud in them! lol)

Running around and having some fun in a cemetery.

Peek-a-boo!!! I see you!

She finally speaks her sissy's name so you can hear it!

Carleigh's hat

Thank you to Veronica who crocheted a hat for Carleigh to match the hat I bought for her big sister Kyndra.

It was such a lovely surprise and Veronica was very generous! I received the hat earlier this week but I wanted to wait and post it so I could get some special pictures at the cemetery. Today was such a nice day so Kyndra and I went for a visit.

Kyndra in her car seat before leaving our house.

Carleigh's hat on her headstone.

Kyndra giving sissy her hat.

Carleigh's hat on her flowers.

We love our hats!

Impromptu visit

Today was a really nice day outside. It was warm and sunny with a slight breeze. On my way to pick up Kyndra after work I decided that I wanted to go to the cemetery and visit Carleigh's grave. It was the perfect day to do so and my mood was really good.

So I picked up Kyndra and we headed on out there. I was really hoping that her marker would be up but as you can see.....it wasn't. (Sorry for poor picture quality-I took them on my cell.)

However, it looks like they plan on laying the foundation pretty soon. They have a rectangular area spray painted white. Of course, I am just assuming that is where it is going to go. I hope the next time I visit at least the foundation is down. It would be even better if her marker were up.

I found that the pinkish rose I placed on her grave on Mother's Day was still there. It was buried in the grass so I got it out and placed it on top. The leaves are brown on it but the pretty pink color of the rose was still mostly present.

I put Kyndra down and let her wander around in the grass. She had fun walking around and even went over to Carleigh's grave and just looked at it.....and then fell on it. Clumsy girl. :)




We enjoyed spending a little time with our Carleigh on such a nice day.

And here's those horses that were present on the day of Carleigh's burial.


After our visit was finished we went back into town and dropped some things off at the Clinton County Women's Center and I got to see Holly and Sheila. Sheila and I talked for a little bit and then Kyndra and I left to head to the bank and then home.

Thank you, Lord, for such a beautiful day!

First visit

This morning at church was a little tough. In all fairness though, we had a heads up. Pastor Mark let us know that there would be a baby dedication at church today in case we didn't think we could handle it. I figured I would be fine since the baby was more around Kyndra's age. It wasn't really the dedication itself that got to me at first. The pianist was playing Jesus Loves Me during the dedication and that's what made me cry. It's a song I used to sing to Kyndra when she a little baby and it's one that I should be singing to Carleigh. I seriously thought I might have to leave church but I stuck it out.

After church, Anthony and I made our first trip out to the cemetery to see Carleigh's grave. I wasn't sure how I was going to be but I was relatively fine. Her plot was actually difficult to find because there wasn't a pile of dirt just lying there. The had removed the top chunk of ground and placed that back on top so there was grass and everything. It doesn't look right not having a marker so I probably won't go back again until it is up. Then I will be able to put some flowers in her vase.