Day 11 ~ Capture Your Grief

Emotional Triggers: What triggers emotions associated with grief for you? Is it the weather? A scent? Photos? Places? Holidays? Words? Certain people?

I think the better question would be what isn’t a trigger. There are lots of things that make me think of Carleigh. Not everything is a sad trigger, but I can never really be sure what will or won’t be. Some days and moments are just tougher than others.

One emotional trigger for me is church. It’s not because I’m angry at God because I honestly do not have any anger towards Him about losing Carleigh. Being in church and singing songs and listening to the sermon touches the deep and tender places of my broken heart. It has gotten easier with time to not cry every single service, but it does still happen.

We had Carleigh’s service in our church. We often sit in the very same pew where I held her for some of those last moments. I closed and sealed her casket in the very same sanctuary we worship in each Sunday. How could it not be emotional?

First visit

This morning at church was a little tough. In all fairness though, we had a heads up. Pastor Mark let us know that there would be a baby dedication at church today in case we didn't think we could handle it. I figured I would be fine since the baby was more around Kyndra's age. It wasn't really the dedication itself that got to me at first. The pianist was playing Jesus Loves Me during the dedication and that's what made me cry. It's a song I used to sing to Kyndra when she a little baby and it's one that I should be singing to Carleigh. I seriously thought I might have to leave church but I stuck it out.

After church, Anthony and I made our first trip out to the cemetery to see Carleigh's grave. I wasn't sure how I was going to be but I was relatively fine. Her plot was actually difficult to find because there wasn't a pile of dirt just lying there. The had removed the top chunk of ground and placed that back on top so there was grass and everything. It doesn't look right not having a marker so I probably won't go back again until it is up. Then I will be able to put some flowers in her vase.

Church

Today we told our church family about Carleigh. They knew we were having complications or whatever but they didn't know the details, except for Pastor Mark and his wife Holly. I wrote a letter for Pastor Mark to read that way we didn't have to get up and speak. I thought it'd be easier that way. We told them at prayer time. Here is the letter:

Dear Church Family,
As you know we are experiencing a difficult pregnancy but we want to share with you exactly what is going on. On December 15 we found out that our daughter, Carleigh, has anencephaly. With this defect she is missing most of her brain and skull cavity. This is a fatal defect and she is not expected to live once she is born. Finding this out about our daughter was truly devastating but we have accepted that it is God’s will for us to have such a special child. While many parents ultimately choose to end the pregnancy this is something we could never do to our daughter. We love our daughter very much and don’t want any part in ending her life prematurely. This journey isn’t an easy one so we ask for your support and prayers. We have set up a website for Carleigh that tells of our journey with her. If you would like this website please let us know. Thank you.
Anthony & Holly

I could tell that many were shocked and upset for us even though my back was to most of them. Pastor Mark had us come up front and they prayed over us. I know we'll get a lot of love and support from them.