Day 4 ~ Capture Your Grief

Legacy: Do you believe your child left a legacy behind? It could be something very simple but meaningful.

Carleigh’s life has undoubtedly changed mine. There will always be a sadness and longing for my baby girl as long as we are apart, but I am at a point in my grief where I can say that her death has changed me for the better in ways that would never have happened had she not died. I am thankful that she left a purpose behind in me and a desire to honor her through serving others who are grieving. That is just one of the many legacies she left behind.

A little over 3 years after Carleigh’s birth my sister experienced the loss of her daughter, Leah. This little girl has also changed my life for she set me on the path of bereavement photography. I photographed those precious moments in the hospital for my sister and brother-in-law.

The photo below is from what I consider my very first session. It is Leah’s footprint on my sister’s finger.

It is because of Carleigh that I became involved with Sufficient Grace Ministries and am able to photograph precious moments for families who have to say goodbye too soon.

Capture Your Grief

I wanted to post about CarlyMarie’s project for October called Capture Your Grief for those who might be interested. It is a photo project for those who are grieving the loss of a child. For more details please go to her post HERE! I definitely plan on participating!

Illuminate ~ Week 4 ~ Inspiration

This week for Illuminate we searched for letters and then took pictures to make a word. This word is one we had to choose to be a theme for us in the upcoming year. The writing is about the future and how things might look say a year from now.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t worry too much about the future because your whole life can change in a moment. Plans you have made can take a totally different path than what you were expecting or wanting. I never thought that I would be where I’m at today. The facts are horrible to face. My daughter was diagnosed with a fatal disorder and she was born still over 3 months later. But when I read those words I don’t really see something terrible. I recall the precious time I spent with her, the memories we made, her day and night gymnastics in my belly, the joy I feel to this day of being her mom. I want to always remember these things.

It doesn’t matter if it is a day, a month, or a year from now as I want to always be able to cherish the moment. Sometimes I don’t always do that but I embrace it more than I ever did before my daughter died. I want to always feel so blessed for what I have been given. They say God gives and God takes away. I do believe that to a degree but I find it hard to apply that to the death of my daughter. God did give me a beautiful daughter but I don’t feel He took her away from me. Maybe it’s because she really isn’t gone forever. She is just away from us for a time until we are reunited again. I hate that we have to have a lifetime apart but I look forward to the day when we are together again.

Is there anything that I can change in this next year? Well, I can’t control many things in this life but the one thing I can control is myself and how I behave and react to situations and to people. In this aspect, I would like to do better.

When thinking of a word that I might try to have as a so-called motto for the next year I had a hard time deciding. I know people who have done the one word thing but I never did it until this assignment. I guess I just didn’t like the idea of one word summing up who I would want to be. I think there’s so much more to me than what one word could describe. So I tried to think of a word that could encompass many different areas of myself. I came up with just a few but one stood out above the others: SERVE.

There are many ways that I can serve. I can serve my patients at work, my family, my friends, those in need, and most importantly I can serve God with my heart.

It isn’t always easy to have a servant’s heart though. My own selfish nature goes against serving others. But there is Someone I can model myself after who is the greatest servant who ever lived and that is Jesus. Jesus is the Son of God but He lived to serve others. He served people who many looked down upon without caring how He would be perceived. He loved others wholly and unconditionally with a pure heart. I want to serve like that.

God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another.   1 Peter 4:10

For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love.  Galatians 5:13

I think my daughter Carleigh instilled in me a will to serve. My own experience made me want to help others, especially other families who have lost a baby. I hope that in this next year to be able to serve in many more ways.

Illuminate ~ Week 3 ~ Perspective

I’m a day late posting for Illuminate week 3 but my family and I were gone for the Thanksgiving holiday and I didn’t get home until today. We went to our cabin in Michigan and spent 4 days there. It’s always nice to get away and spend time there.

This week’s assignment is about perspective-in our own lives and through our eyes. The photography part was about taking 100 steps and composing an image and the writing topic is about what we are grateful for.

I’d like to share my stepping journey first. I actually did all my pictures in one day since I spent the rest of my time enjoying my family for the holiday, but I did enjoy my time out alone snapping pictures. I took all of the pictures in the area around our cabin in Michigan but had different starting and ending points. I also edited all the photos in the same way with a more vintage feel because I just liked how it looked compared to the other way I edited the photos (with more softness and brightness, which was neat too but I favored the other-maybe it was a rustic cabin thing! lol).

I think you tend to appreciate the beauty in things more when you slow down and take a look around you. This assignment gave me the opportunity to do that. So often life is busy and I’m rushing around trying to get things done. You can miss so much if you just don’t stop and take in the moment. I think sometimes you have to make a conscious effort to do that because it can be so easy to say “oh, I’ll do it later” or “there’ll always be time for that”. Nobody knows how much time that they have so you have to make the most of it while you can. Cherish the moment while it is still here.

Our lives changed forever on December 15, 2008. Before that day I don’t think I really appreciated what a miracle it is to have a healthy baby. I knew things went wrong but those things happened to other people, not me. I never wanted my daughter to have anencephaly and I sure as heck never wanted her to die. However, I am so grateful that Carleigh is my daughter and if the only way to have her was to have her die then I accept it fully. I would rather have known her this way than to never have known her at all.

One of the things I am so grateful for is knowing ahead of time that she wasn’t going to live. This gave us time to prepare for what we wanted as far as her birth and her funeral. It also gave us the opportunity to make memories we would not have made otherwise. I never imagined it to be a blessing but it certainly was. Had her death been sudden, I would not have known what my rights were regarding the death of my child or the keepsakes that I could have to remember by. I would not have known how priceless pictures would come to be and I fear that I would have taken very few.

I am grateful for the many people who loved and supported us along the way. Family and friends stepped up but we also had the support and prayers of complete strangers. So many followed our journey and offered kind words and sympathy. I’m sure many who followed then do not follow now but I am grateful for every person who has gotten a glimpse of my daughter through my own words and pictures. I like to think a little part of her remains with every person whose life she has touched.

I could go on and on about the little things I am grateful for about our journey and about our daughter. (But I think if I did that this post would never get published!) The fact is I have become more grateful because of her. She opened my eyes as if I was blind before she came. Having your life changed dramatically hasn’t always been easy. Grief is now a chain I will carry all of my life, but I thank God that He helps me carry the chains. Without Him I would have grown weary very quickly but He has given me the strength to carry on without my baby girl. He has shown me that life without my daughter is still a life worth living. He has given me precious gifts to take care of and I believe I see their sister through them.

I’ll always be grateful for this road I have traveled. Of course, that doesn’t mean I haven’t had my “this is so unfair!” moments because I certainly have. (I’m sure I still have some more of them up my sleeve too.) At the end of the day though, I am glad she was a part of some of the steps of my life. Those are some of the most cherished moments I will ever have had the privilege to experience.

Illuminate ~ Week 2 ~ Light

This week’s assignment is about light. We were to think about what the light or darkness meant to us and then we had 2 options in taking photos. I chose to take photos of a treasured object in different light scenarios.

The moment our world forever changed was the day we learned our daughter Carleigh wasn’t going to survive. Some may be surprised for me to say that even in such a difficult time I would not consider it a time of darkness. Light still shone even when it should have been impossible. God gave me the grace to accept the path we had been given even though it hurt so very much. He has kept me focused on the light even in the times when my grief felt heavy. It confounds me when I look back how well I handled everything. Could I handle it in such a manner again if another precious life was taken from me? I pray that I could but just thinking about it overwhelms me.

Perhaps I am more drawn to light because God Himself is a light in my life. I believe if I did not have Him to help get me through the past 2 1/2 years my world would have been very dark.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.
~John 1:5

O Lord, you are my lamp. The Lord lights up my darkness.
~2 Samuel 22:29

Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.
~Psalm 119:105

No longer will you need the sun to shine by day, nor the moon to give its light by night, for the Lord your God will be your everlasting light, and your God will be your glory.
~Isaiah 60:19

If you think about it light is amazing. All it takes is just a small amount of light to penetrate darkness. Light overcomes darkness. Darkness never overcomes light-never does it swallow the light. I often think of Heaven where there is no darkness at all. The light of God penetrates every corner. It is hard to imagine a place with no shadows and the glory of such light, but my daughter is experiencing it. How amazing it must be!

This week I looked into different kinds of lighting for my photos and I tried my hand at a bunch of different light settings. Some had lots of light and some had only a small light surrounded by darkness. Naturally, I feel drawn to more pictures with more light but it was fun to see how pictures turned out with just a small amount of light. Of course, I had to make sure the camera was very, very still to avoid blurriness when there was almost no light. I managed to take all of my pictures with no flash but also with no special settings (which is how I usually take them since I still haven’t learned hardly any of the functions on my camera even after having it for 2 years!). I also did minimal editing to all of them.

I decided to use Carleigh’s bear for my subject. This bear was given to me by the Mother Baby Unit when we went into the hospital for my induction. The unit knew ahead of time of our situation as they had our birth plan and this was something special that they did for us and our daughter.

I hope everyone who is suffering in the darkness can find hope in the light, no matter how small it may be.

Illuminate ~ Week 1 ~ Storytelling

For the next 5 weeks I have the privilege in participating in the online class for photographic healing called Illuminate. I’m very excited for this course and to see what comes out of it. I’ve decided that for this class I’m just going to focus on my daughter Carleigh. I feel my healing for Jordan is much further than it is for Carleigh and I would benefit most by focusing just on her.

This week’s assignment is about storytelling. We are to write a letter to our baby/babies and also take self portraits of our journey. Well, letters can certainly be emotional to write and it wasn’t easy getting the right picture that I felt comfortable enough with that captured what I was feeling in thinking of that pose. But I managed to do as best as I could.

So here goes.

My precious Carleigh,

I still remember the day I found out I was pregnant with you. It was August 10, 2008 and I was so excited. Your sister was only 7 months old and when I found out you were a girl I couldn’t have been happier because that was what I was hoping for. I wanted to have 2 girls close in age like me and my sister.

I never imagined that you would be diagnosed with something fatal and not be able to come home with us from the hospital. Stuff like that always happened to other people. But it was soon the reality I was facing. It hurt a lot and I cried many tears over it all. I still loved you though and I was going to cherish our time together however long it may be.

I never knew how much joy and sorrow could intertwine before. It’s like a beautiful and bittersweet dance. And you were totally worth it.

I’m thankful at least for the months we had to plan for your arrival. It gave us time to think about what we wanted and to make memories with you along the way. I don’t think we’d have as many keepsakes as we do or been as prepared if we hadn’t had that time. I consider it a blessing.

I’ll never forget seeing you on the 3D ultrasound. It was really the only time I got to meet you alive. (2D ultrasound just isn’t the same!) I don’t think I quit smiling the whole time and I fell even more in love with you. I got to see you kick and move and suck on your fists. I could really see your sister in you!

But seeing you on that screen could never compare to seeing you in my arms even though you were already gone. I didn’t see what was “wrong” with you but I saw pure perfection and beauty. I saw Heaven that day and I couldn’t take my eyes off of you.

Those moments with you are some of the most precious in my life and I cherish them so much. Some days I wish I could go back and experience you all over again. Though we got time with you it wasn’t nearly enough. But is there such thing as enough time to last a lifetime? I don’t think there is so I will be thankful for what I had.

Baby girl, I miss you a lot and I wish you were here to grow up with your sisters. I promise they will always know who you are and how special you are to us. People will undoubtedly begin to forget about you as more and more time passes but I will never forget. I still think about you every day even 2 1/2 years later. It is impossible for me to forget you because you are as essential to me as breathing. For the time you lived on this earth you were a part of me and death cannot break that bond.

I love you always and without limits.

Until I see you again,
Mommy

Here are the self-portraits I took.

This picture is me holding the necklace I wear almost every day. It is Carleigh’s cross necklace with her hand/footprint pendant and her baby ring. I often slip her baby ring on my finger like in this picture and rub it. Sometimes I don’t even realize I’m doing it.

One of the first pictures I knew I wanted to take was of Carleigh’s belly cast. I created it just a week before her birth and it was painted by Stephanie at Beyond Words Designs over 2 years later. This cast to me captures all the moments she was alive.

Another picture of Carleigh’s necklace only on my chest close to my heart.

The sculpture sitting on my belly is Carleigh’s angel sculpture from The Midnight Orange. It seemed fitting to rest it on my belly since that was were she lived and died.

The butterfly on this flower is from Carleigh’s 2nd birthday cake.

I knew including Carleigh’s memory chest in a picture was important as it holds all of her precious keepsakes. The chest itself is a treasure as it was handmade by my aunt and uncle epically for this purpose. I included my I Love You hand sculpture from MoonlighAura.

This last picture is me holding my Carleigh Bear-weighted to the same weight she was at birth, which was 3 lbs 15 oz. To me, this picture is looking into the light of the future. The hope of seeing her again one day.

Capturing the moments

I have asked my friend Ashley, who owns Ashley Whitmoyer Photography, to take pictures during and after labor/delivery and for Carleigh's visitation and service. She takes great photos and I know she will do a wonderful job! (Thank you VERY much Ashley.) She is so sweet because she doesn't want any money for it either! However, we will be showing our appreciation in some way to her. I originally was going to have my Aunt Becky take pictures at the hospital but I decided it would be best to not have any family to do it. I would rather family be able to just be there for us and not have to worry about anything like that.

It may seem weird to want to take pictures at her visitation and service but also keep in mind that we will be experiencing a wide range of emotions and may not remember everything that took place or the little details. Hence, pictures!!! I will probably also have the service videotaped. Speaking of videotaping my best friend Lindsey is going to be videotaping once Carleigh arrives. Again, so family does not have to do it.

We will still be having Kim, who owns Mud Pie Photos and is affiliated with NILMDTS, come and take pictures of Carleigh also. No one has ever regretted having too many photos but I'm sure there are some who wish they would've taken more. I've also been given advice by many mommies to take TONS of pictures. So that is the plan!!! Next week we will be getting maternity photos done with her! Can't wait!