The Ripples Flow to our Marriage

This week, we are sharing the impact our loss(es) had on our marriage. (My original post can be viewed here.)

Losing Carleigh was not our first experience in losing a child. Before Anthony and I were married and not long after we got together I found out I was pregnant. We made a very poor and hasty decision to end the pregnancy. While most couples who choose abortion don’t stay together, we did. Over the years our grief over losing Jordan took its toll, mostly on myself. We worked through it and found forgiveness and healing.

Finding out Carleigh wouldn’t live was devastating for us. We never imagined having to deal with a fatal diagnosis for our unborn child. We didn’t talk a whole lot about the whole situation. I’ve never been much of a talker of feelings. I tend to be able to write things out much better. When our dr first gave us the options of what to do I didn’t even consult Anthony. I knew that I would carry to term and there was nobody, even my husband, who was going to change my mind. I think we both knew that I could never make the choice to end the life of my child after having done so with Jordan.

The night we got the diagnosis we went to sleep holding each other. Something we hadn’t done for a long time.

We had a MFM appointment just 2 days after finding out and it was at this appointment that Anthony asked me if I would induce early, perhaps around 30 weeks. I told him no. The dr that came in the ultrasound room spoke incorrectly about what would happen and I think it scared Anthony as he was fearful for my own life. Once I told him that the dr was incorrect (and he most certainly was!) he felt much better about carrying to term. I also think suggestions he heard from people who didn’t know anything about my daughter’s diagnosis weighed on his mind when he asked me. Sometimes it was easy for me to forget that Anthony didn’t know as much as I did about anencephaly and the medical field in general.

The rest of my pregnancy with Carleigh was a planning period for her arrival. Anthony let me make most of the decisions. I think he knew it was important to me. He never objected to the things I wanted to do to make memories. He supported me and would be my sounding board when I was unsure.

I’ve kept a lot of my grief inside of me and have used my blog as an outlet for my feelings. I know Anthony at times has wished I would be more open and talk to him about what I’m feeling but it’s not easy for me to do that.

I am grateful that Anthony has let me do what I feel led to do to honor Carleigh and remember her. I’m sure at times he has thought I was a little crazy but no matter what he supports what I do.

Carleigh’s 3rd birthday is just over a month away. These days we don’t talk about her a lot but I know we both still love her and miss her. For me, I still think of her every day. I know she’ll never be forgotten by us. I still have grief moments and I’m sure Anthony does too, though I don’t think quite often as me. I believe that since I am the one that carried Carleigh for so many months and knew her in a way that no one else could that there is going to be a level of grief that no one but myself can experience or understand, not even my husband.

The Ripples Flow to Our Marriage

Walking With You was created by Kelly of Sufficient Grace Ministries to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. To join in on Walking With You please visit Kelly's blog.

This week, we are sharing the impact our loss(es) had on our marriage.

Losing Carleigh is the toughest thing our marriage has faced, but it isn't the toughest thing we have endured as a couple. Losing Jordan is the toughest by far. A few months after Anthony and I started dating I found out I was pregnant. We made a poor choice and a pregnancy resulted. I won't go into all the details in this post but we made a hasty decision to end my pregnancy. Most couples that go into an abortion together do not stay together, but we did. Perhaps my denial of the situation at the time had something to do with that. I'll never know what the outcome would've been had I realized then what I had done, but I am glad we stayed together.

We never really talked about Jordan until after Kyndra was born. It hit me very hard and I suffered greatly. I kept my suffering to myself mostly. Both Anthony and my best friend Lindsey knew I was hurting but they never knew the true extent of it. The day of my greatest despair I reached out to God before I went to bed. I pleaded with Him to take it all away. God answered my prayer. The very next morning I felt like a completely different person. I felt more like me than I had in the months since Kyndra's birth. I didn't deserve it but He is so loving and forgiving. I had told God that whether He chose to heal my heart or not that I would go to counseling. I kept my promise and made the call.

I don't think Anthony really understood why I wanted to go to counseling but he supported me in doing something I felt I needed to do. I shared some of my counseling with him but kept it mostly to myself. It may surprise you, but Anthony is better at talking about his feelings than I am. I don't like to talk about things. I would much rather write them. That I can do. Talking....yeah, I'm not good at it. We have definitely gotten better at communicating. Anthony's had to do quite a bit of coaxing with me though. That man deserves a cookie. He's already brought me out of my shell quite a bit since being together. I used to be very shy around people I didn't really know. Now I will actually attempt to talk to people!

I guess I take after my dad. He doesn't really talk a lot-just when he needs to. Less is more. lol Those of you who know my dad will probably be shaking your heads in agreement. But I don't really mind since I get my outlet by writing. Ok, I'm getting off topic...

Anthony and I really haven't talked a lot about our grief and our feelings surrounding Carleigh. And that's probably my fault. We both know we love her very much and miss her. That goes without saying.

When we first got Carleigh's diagnosis there were not a lot of words spoken. Just what was necessary. I think we were both trying to get over the shock of what we had just learned. I never gave Anthony the chance to give me his opinion on whether I should carry to term or not. I knew that I was going to carry Carleigh and nothing would stop me. Nobody, not Anthony or any doctor in the world, would've been able to convince me to terminate. I have walked the road of termination and I knew the pain it had caused me. I think that's why Anthony did not object the night we found out. He knew how much I regretted not keeping Jordan.

When we went to bed the night we found out we actually held each other. We hadn't done that for awhile. (He says my head hurts his shoulder. I must have a hard head or something.) We both needed that though. We needed to be close.

Just 2 days after we found out I had an appointment with the MFM specialist. After that man spewed his evil and left the room, Anthony asked me to induce. When I heard those words out of his mouth it made me angry and disappointed. How could he even say such a thing!? How could he just see our daughter on the ultrasound screen moving and trying to hide from us and then want to end it right then? But I realized that he didn't know as much as I did about medical things. Even knowing this though, it still hurt. I told him no and that the doctor wasn't being truthful. (I wish now I would've caught that doctor in his lies and made him eat his own words.)

The rest of my pregnancy with Carleigh we really didn't talk about what was to come. We planned together but that was really the extent of it. Even though there wasn't a lot of communication of our feelings we were always there for each other. It's hard to explain but a lot of times I feel that I don't really have to verbally express what I am feeling for Anthony to get me. We didn't share a lot of our feelings but I know that we drew closer together through our journey.

Anthony actually asked me about something one night (I can't remember exactly what it was) and I actually told him to go read my blog because I didn't want to talk about it. Nice, huh? He then told me that he shouldn't have to read my blog to find out things about his wife. I know, I know.....but I really hate talking! I didn't like it but I did talk to him a little about whatever it was. I've prayed that God could help me in this area. I know I need to be more open with my husband so we can have an even better relationship. I think I'm slowly making progress. Slowly being the key word.

I'm just so glad that he can be patient with me!