Caring for Carleigh

Merry Christmas to me!!

2009-12-23T17:54:00.008-05:00

I received a wonderful surprise from my husband tonight. I have a piece of jewelry that I wear almost every day that is very special to me. It is a gold cross necklace that Carleigh wore for her visitation and her service. It is dainty and beautiful.

On this necklace I have placed her gold baby ring. We had it sized as small as we could. On the outside of the ring it has a beautiful design. Many times throughout the day I touch her ring and put my finger through it. It's actually become a habit now and I do it without realizing that I am.

My plan was to get a small gold pendant with Carleigh's hand print on it from My Forever Child to add to this necklace. My sneaky husband apparently asked one night about what I wanted to figure out what to get instead of just appearing interested. Sue and Anthony talked on the phone and she created my pendant. Anthony even paid for it with his work credit card and had it delivered to our neighbors' house so I wouldn't know. He went over to our neighbors' house this evening to 'supposedly' tell them that we would be gone for a few days (which I'm sure he did anyway since they keep an eye on our house) and he came back and surprised me with my pendant.

I told him I felt bad because I didn't get him anything for Christmas (that's our thing). He said it wasn't a Christmas present but just something he wanted to do for me. Ok, my heart is melting!

Thank you so much sweetie for surprising me with something I wanted so much. And thanks Sue for creating it!

25 Days of Giveaways Winners

2009-12-23T10:20:00.001-05:00

Thank you to all who entered on my day and shared with me your acts of kindness. And now the winners, who were determined by the random name generator better known as my husband (which means he drew your name out of a basket-thanks hun!). ;)

The winner of the Fertility-Pregnancy Charm Necklace is Rachel @ The Harrison Crew who said:
When I returned from Maternity leave with Ryan I found a note in my mailbox here at the office. To my surprise it was a note from the CEO of my company expressing how sorry he was for my loss. I was floored. Here the CEO of one of the largest transportation companies in this country with over 35,000 employees took the time to hand write a note to an employee who lost their child. It reminded me how blessed I am to be surrounded on all sides by such a wonderful support system.

The winner of the Forget-Me-Not beaded bookmark is Jill @ Footprints On Our Hearts who said:
I just love everything from My Forever Child! There have been so many acts of kindness, but one important one was after we came home from the hospital without our babies we felt so alone. Share Southern Vermont contacted us to tell us they were there to guide and help us and that we were not alone. They have been a great outlet to my husband and I.

The winner of the Healing Heart Charm Necklace is Karen @ Gott Joy! who said:
Beautiful jewelry...you have a beautiful heart! I have been blessed with precious people that have loved on me during my loss. Last week someone left a candle and a card with Rebekah's mommy on the outside of the envelope. That touched me so because I was really feeling lonely at that same exact moment.

Congratulations to the winners! Please email me at caring4carleigh@yahoo.com to confirm and to get your addresses. I hope that you enjoy your pieces from My Forever Child!

Angel Friends

2009-09-01T18:45:00.070-04:00

I've been thinking lately of all the moms and babies I've met in my loss journey. So many and it's heartbreaking. I want to make a list of all these precious babies and their mommies so that we can all remember them and even visit them with some encouragement.

If you are an angel mommy please leave a comment with your name, your baby's/babies' name(s) and their birth and/or angel dates if you would like them added to the list. I'd love to have a record of these dates so that when each day comes around I can think of you and your sweet baby/babies and say a prayer for you. Also, if you would like to, please comment if your baby/babies had a condition or the reason they left that way mommies who have gone (or are currently going) through the same thing can connect with each other. The dates go in order by date of birth if your baby was born or the date they were lost if they were lost early on.

It doesn't matter what kind of loss you have endured, whether it be from miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, or abortion. Every baby deserves to be recognized.

If you want any information updated or edited please let me know and I will be happy to do so. If you have a blog or memorial site that you want linked that I haven't linked already please let me know.

January

Sarah ~ January 8, 2007 @ 14 weeks ~ miscarried twins ~ shared same amniotic sac
Rikki, mommy to Elijah and Jett ~ born still January 10, 2009 @ 37 weeks ~ infection
Tiffany, mommy to Emma Charity ~ born still January 15, 2009 @ 36 weeks ~ Anencephaly
Debbie, mommy to Claudia ~ January 15, 1985 @ 11 weeks
Dana, mommy to Terry Gene ~ born January 27, 2007 @ 27 weeks ~ lived for 2 hours ~ Occipital Encephalocele
Lauren, mommy to Heidi Michelle ~ born January 31, 2009 ~ 1st of quads to be born, amniotic sac broke

February

Caroline ~ February 10, 2006 @ 12 weeks ~ miscarriage
Lauren, mommy to Lily Nicole, Paige Elise, and Rylan Otto ~ born February 23, 2009 @ 22 weeks ~ 3 in a set of quads, premature
Angela, mommy to Ethan Charles Donaldson ~ born still February 13, 2008 @ 34 weeks 3 days ~ cord accident
Monica ~ February 25, 2007 @ 6 weeks ~ miscarriage
Jennifer ~ February 2009 @ 6 weeks ~ miscarriage

March

Danielle, mommy to Samuel Jeffrey ~ born March 4th, 2008 @ 39.5 weeks ~ HHT (Hereditary Hemorrhagic Telangiectasia) and Cerebral AVMs.
Trisha, mommy to Nathan Ryan Larson ~ born March 5, 2008 ~ became an angel March 30, 2008 ~ heart defect
Jo ~ March 5, 2007 @ 8 weeks ~ miscarriage

Nan, mommy to Shelby, Megan, and Lynne ~ born March 6, 2009 @ 20 weeks ~ incompetent cervix and pPROM which led to infection

Sara, mommy to William Jason ~ born March 11, 2009 ~ Anencephaly

Laura, mommy to Sage Astin ~ born still March 13, 2009

Holly, mommy to Freja ~ born March 25, 2009 ~ became an angel April 10, 2009 ~ Trisomy 18 with multiple congenital anomalies

Kathryn, mommy to Seth ~ born still March 27, 2008 ~ became an angel October 12, 2008 ~ Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS)

Holly, mommy to Carleigh McKenna ~ born still March 28, 2009 @ 37 weeks ~ Anencephaly
Jenn, mommy to Cora ~ born March 31, 2009 ~ became an angel April 1, 2009 ~ HLHS
April ~ March 31, 2008 @ 12 weeks ~ miscarriage
Susan, mommy to William ~ March 2007 ~ miscarriage

April

Natalie, mommy to Alex James Murdoch ~ born April 2, 2009 @ 30.1 weeks ~ lived 15 minutes ~ Anencephaly
Misty, mommy to Isaac ~ born April 8, 2009 @ 36 weeks~ lived for 70 minutes ~ Anencephaly
Khanh, mommy to Ai Thuong ~ born April 16, 2009 ~ became an angel April 17, 2009
PJ, mommy to Seth Ryan ~ born on April 16, 2009 @ 36 weeks ~ lived for 11 hours ~ Anencephaly
Tashia, mommy to James Glen ~ born April 23, 2008 ~ became an angel August 23, 2008 ~ complications from Epidermoloys Bullosa (EB)
Tina, mommy to twins Sophia & Ellie ~ born April 25, 2009 @ 21 weeks 1 day ~ premature, possible TTTS or IC
Cecilia, mommy to Ethan McKinley ~ born still April 28, 2009 @ 29 weeks ~ Preeclampsia & HELLP Syndrome
Marisha, mommy to Logan Grant Stainback-Rhodes ~ born still on April 28, 2009 @ 20 weeks 5 days
Jennifer ~ April 2009 @ 6 weeks ~ miscarriage

May

Franchesca, mommy to Jenna Belle ~ born May 5, 2009 @ 29 weeks ~ became an angel May 18, 2009 ~ premature, possible genetic disorder
Neff, mommy to Miangel Alancia Sims ~ born May 8, 2007 ~ became an angel September 8, 2007 ~ SIDS
Jess, mommy to Eliana Grace ~ born still May 9, 2009 @ 26 weeks ~ cord accident
Celia, mommy to Noah Benjamin ~ born May 10, 2009 @ 40 weeks ~ lived 19 hours and 12 minutes ~ Anencephaly
Shelly, mommy to Andrew John ~ born still on May 14, 2009 @ 32 weeks ~ unknown reasons
Helen/'Lucy', mommy to Jeffrey ~ born May 18, 1997~ became an angel November 4, 1997 ~ spinal muscular atrophy (SMA)
Monica, mommy to Duncan Thomas ~ born still May 19, 2009 @ 25 weeks ~ preecamplsia and placental blood clot
Mary-Dare, mommy to Mac Montgomery ~ born May 19, 2006 @ 36 weeks ~ Post-Urethral Valve, complete failure of kidneys and bladder, no amniotic fluid from 20 weeks on so no lung development
Dawn (bakersd79) ~ May 22, 2006 @ 10 weeks ~ miscarriage
Stephanie, mommy to Vayden James ~ born May 23,2009 @ 35 weeks ~ lived for 3 hours and 45 minutes ~ PUV
Deni, mommy to Michael ~ May 26, 2009
Jessi, mommy to Joel ~ born still May 28, 2009 @ 40 weeks ~ complications with a kidney defect, which led to fluid level problems, which led to cord accident
Avery Tales, mommy to Olivia ~ born May 29, 2006 @ 24 weeks ~ became an angel June 5, 2006~ premature
Nicole, mommy to Baby B ~ May 2004 ~ miscarriage
Tashia, mommy to Alex ~ May 2007 @ 6 weeks ~ miscarriage

June

Danielle, mommy to Wyatt Nathaniel Finchum ~ born June 1, 2009 ~ lived for 2 minutes ~ Thanatophoric dysplasia
Nichole ~ June 5, 2000 @ 12 weeks ~ miscarriage
Leigh-Anne, mommy to Rylyn Cole King ~ born June 9, 2005 full term ~ Mekel-Gruber Syndrome & Polycystic Kidneys
Katrina, mommy to Dylan ~ born June 11, 2008 ~ became an angel June 17, 2008 ~ VACTERL and Hypoplastic Right Heart Syndrom (HRHS)
Tashia, mommy to Anthony Gordon ~ born June 21, 2006 ~ became an angel August 28, 2006 ~ complications from Epidermoloys Bullosa (EB)

July

Tricia, mommy to Ian Thomas Deasee ~ born July 9, 2009 ~ became an angel September 5, 2009 ~ gliosarcoma (brain tumor)
Jodi, mommy to Jillian Grace ~ born July 14, 2009 ~ Anencephaly
Kelly, mommy to Thomas Patrick Gerken ~ born July 14, 1998 ~ lived for 6 hours ~ Potter's Syndrome
Megan, mommy to identical twins Elliana and Emmaline ~ born July 16, 2008 @ 20 weeks 1 day ~ Elliana lived for 1 hour and Emmaline was born still ~ Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS)
Ivy ~ July 18, 2006 @ 7 weeks ~ miscarriage
Ramona, mommy to Alanna Faith ~ born July 21, 2009 ~ lived for 10 1/2 hours ~ Anencephaly
Jennifer, mommy to Bryston Ray ~ born still July 24, 2009 @ 28 weeks ~ placental abruption
Mary, mommy to Amiee Nicole ~ born July 25, 2009 ~ became an angel July 27, 2009 ~ Anencephaly
Tashia, mommy to Jamie ~ July 2005 @ 5 1/2 weeks ~ miscarriage

August

Mellissa ~ August 2, 2007 @ 5 weeks 3 days ~ miscarriage
Jennifer, mommy to Isaiah Christopher ~ August 3, 2008 ~ blood clot, placental abruption, & D.I.C.
Katie, mommy to Reese Catherine Rowe ~ born August 11, 2009 ~ became an angel August 13, 2009 ~ unable to breathe on her own
Jill, mommy to Emma & Chase ~ born August 12, 2009 at 24 weeks 5 days ~ Chase became an angel August 12, 2009 ~ Emma became and angel August 16, 2009 ~ premature, circumvallate placenta
Wendy, mommy to Bryson Cole ~ born August 12, 2009 @ 24 weeks ~ became an angel August 29, 2009 ~ premature, infection in uterus
Jen, mommy to Isabella ~ born August 21, 2008 ~ became an angel May 19, 2009 ~ mitochondrial DNA depletion
Heather, mommy to Madelyn ~ born August 28, 2009 @ 34 weeks ~ heart condition, severe lung and kidney underdevelopment due to anydramnios
Jennifer, mommy to Gloria Grace ~ August 29, 2006 @ 18 weeks ~ miscarriage
A mother and her daughter, baby B ~ August 31, 2009 @ 27 weeks ~ both passed away due to placental abruption
Jennifer ~ August 2008 @ 6 weeks ~ miscarriage

September

Elizabeth, mommy to Connor Daniel Irwin ~ born September 1, 2006 ~ became an angel February 7, 2008 ~ head injury
Kristin, mommy to Peyton Elizabeth ~ born September 4, 2008 ~ became an angel October 2, 2008 ~ Infant Leukemia (ALL with MLL rearrangement)
Raydrealle, mommy to Tiffany Lynne ~ born still September 4, 2009 @ 40 weeks ~ unknown reasons
April, mommy to Morgan Alyssa ~ born September 8, 2008 ~ lived almost 1 hour ~ unknown reasons
Laura, mommy to Baby E ~ September 9, 2008 @ 10 weeks ~ miscarriage
Andrea, mommy to twins Ethan and Jacob ~ born September 13, 2009 @ 23 weeks ~ Jacob lived for 11 minutes after birth and Ethan lived for 36 hours ~ pPROM @ 19.5 weeks, which led to infection
Laura, mommy to Andrew Daniel ~ born still September 15, 2003 @ 39 weeks ~ cord accident
Rebecca, mommy to Trinadee Eve ~ born September 15, 2009 @ 37 weeks ~ lived for 26 minutes ~ Anencephaly
Deni, mommy to Layla Marie ~ September 15, 2008
Katy, mommy to Hannah Katherine ~ born September 21, 2009 @ 18 weeks 4 days ~ slight placental abruption, infection of placenta and cord that caused PROM

October

Sarita (sboyette@tx.rr.com), mommy to Meredith Helen ~ born October 3, 1974 @ 32 weeks ~ became an angel October 6, 1974 ~ premature
April, mommy to Blumpy ~ October 8, 2009 @ 10 weeks 3 days ~ miscarriage
Dana ~ October 17, 2008 @ 6 weeks ~ miscarriage
Leigh-Anne, mommy to Dylan Chase King ~ born October 19, 2000 full term ~
Mekel-Gruber Syndrome & Polycystic Kidneys
Monica ~ October 19, 2008 @ 10 weeks ~ miscarried twins
Karen, mommy to Faith Evangeline ~ born still October 28, 2008 @ 37 weeks ~ Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS)
Jacie, mommy to Aiden Edward Harley ~ born October 28, 2009 @ 27.4 weeks ~ lived for 51 minutes ~ Anencephaly
Jennifer, mommy to Damien ~ born still October 31, 2002 @ 35 weeks ~ unknown causes
Jennifer ~ October 2008 @ 6 weeks ~ miscarriage

November

Erinn, mommy to Moses ~ born November 1, 2005 ~ became an angel December 2, 2005 ~ premature, Down Syndrome, severe heart defects ~ twin brother Abraham is happy and healthy
Kelly, mommy to Faith Elizabeth and Grace Katherine Gerken ~ born still on November 3, 1996 ~ twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome (TTTS)
Diona, mommy to Faith Angel ~ born November 14, 2009 @ 21 weeks ~ Anencephaly
Nicolle, mommy to Kasey James Colvin ~ born November 16,2008 @ 35 weeks 1 day ~ became an angel December 19, 2008 ~ PROM, Left side Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia (LCDH)
Nicole, mommy to Logan Quinn ~ born November 28, 2005 ~ lived for 33 hours ~ became an angel November 29, 2005 ~ Anencephaly
Jess ~ November 2003 ~ miscarriage

December

Caroline ~ December 1, 2007 @ 8 weeks ~ miscarriage
Sky, mommy to Charlie ~ born December 17, 2008 @ 19.4 weeks ~ Turner Syndrome
Holly, mommy to Jordan Leigh ~ December 19, 2002 @ 12 weeks
Jennifer, mommy to Anthony James ~ December 23, 2006 @ 18 weeks ~ miscarriage
Nicole, mommy to Baby A ~ December 2003 ~ miscarriage

25 Days of Giveaways

2009-12-21T22:30:00.004-05:00

Thank you Tina at Living without Sophia and Ellie for hosting this wonderful event.

NOTE: These giveaways are open to all babylost mamas. If you didn't sign up to host a giveaway we still want you to participate and try to win some of these GREAT items. We want to spread happiness to everyone, not just those who are hosting a day!

I didn't find out about these wonderful giveaways until after all the days were filled up but Tina still let me participate so here is my day!! (My day is the 22nd-posting early for those living in other time zones.)

I don't think it would surprise some of you for me to say that I love helping others. It makes me happy to be able to do something for somebody else. The desire to help others has only increased since my Carleigh left me back in March.

One of the first acts of kindness shown to me after Carleigh's birth was from Sue at My Forever Child. It was the evening of Carleigh's first visitation. My pastor came and gave me a package. It was very puzzling because I wasn't expecting anything and I had no clue what it was. I opened up the package to discover a beautiful bracelet that had Carleigh's name and birth date engraved on one side and her footprints on the other. I was absolutely astonished that someone I never even knew would do something so nice for me. I didn't even know Sue was following us but our story touched her and she decided to send not only the bracelet for me but pins for my entire family to wear. Just like I wear my bracelet, my family still wears those pins.

Since then Sue and I have become quite acquainted and I have given away quite a few pieces of her jewelry and other remembrance items as well as having bought some for myself. I love having these reminders that I can either see or wear. It's nice when someone asks about your jewelry because then you have an opportunity to talk about your baby.

So, for my day I would like to give away items from My Forever Child.

The first piece is the Fertility-Pregnancy Charm Necklace. This necklace has several charms that hold a special meaning. A charm with the word 'Baby' is a visual reminder of your motherhood intentions, Our Heart Swirl with Moonstone gemstone charm promotes love, genuine rose quartz promotes the healing of broken hearts and increases the reception of love, and genuine blue chalcedony decreases negativity and depression and increases sleep and tranquility.

The second piece is a Forget-Me-Not beaded bookmark. This bookmark has art glass beads that are strung onto color coordinated waxed Irish linen cord with silver toned spacer beads and charms.

The third piece is the Healing Heart Charm Necklace. This necklace has several charms that hold a special meaning. A 'Heal' charm is a reminder to take care of your emotional and physical well being, genuine rose quartz promotes the healing of broken hearts and increases the reception of love, genuine amethyst heart is for remembrance of your loved ones, and a small heart charm is to symbolize the healing heart.

To enter this giveaway just leave me a comment and tell me of an act of kindness that someone did for you when you were hurting.

Remembering Jordan

2009-12-19T21:30:00.001-05:00

Today it is 7 years since Jordan left this world. I debated on whether or not to share his/my story as it is not an easy one for me to share but I knew that I must for my son. So if you would like to read it you can go here.

Love goes very far beyond the physical person of the beloved. It finds its deepest meaning in his spiritual being, his inner self. Whether or not he is actually present, whether or not he is still alive at all, ceases somehow to be of importance. -Viktor E. Frankl

Today is also the day we left for Hawaii a year ago, just several days after Carleigh's fatal diagnosis. A trip that would end up being really good for us.

What a week this has been!

Helpful Links

2009-01-01T00:00:00.063-05:00

About anencephaly:

Anencephaly support groups:

To have your child remembered:

Support for carrying to term:

Support after loss:

Keepsakes, jewelry, and more for your baby:

1st Frame - Personalized picture frames
Angel Albums - handmade baby albums
A Place To Remember - books, cards, memory boxes, ornaments, jewelry, clothing, certificates, baby books
Casting Keepsakes - belly casts, clay kits, 3D molds, shadowboxes, ink
Comfort Baskets - customized comfort baskets for those who are grieving
Engraved Euniques - engraved tiles and more
For Your Tears - handkerchief
Garden Angel Art Works - stepping stones, glass photo tiles
Heavenly Angels In Need - memory boxes, caskets, burial garments, hats/booties
Heaven's Gain - caskets for miscarriage/early stillbirth
Jacqui's Preemie Pride - bereavement/burial clothing
Jules Jewelry - variety of jewelry
Just A Cloud Away - scrapbooking, remembrance kit, creating crafts/baskets
La Belle Dame - memorial, fertility, and pregnancy jewelry
Mama Mia - custom handstamped jewelry
Memory Bears - bears created from your own fabric (such as your child's blanket or clothing)
My Forever Child - remembrance, fertility, pregnancy, awareness, & hand/footprint jewelry, suncatchers, candles, keychains, pins, custom designs
Remembering Our Babies Memorial Keepsake Boutique - awareness items, jewelry, decals, books, keychains, suncatchers,
Sufficient Grace Ministries for Women - Dreams of You memory book, comfort bear, grief support
The Greatest Blessing - memory boxes
The Comfort Company - stepping stones, tear bottles, ornaments, memorial trees/rocks, Reunion Heart keepsakes
The Preemie Store - preemie, micropreemie, and infant clothing
The Shining Light Fund - mother's bracelet
The Vintage Pearl - custom handstamped jewelry
Things Remembered - personalized engraved keepsakes

Photography:

Other sites:

A year since our world changed

2009-12-15T21:44:00.002-05:00

Just one year ago today our lives forever changed.

It was the day we learned our daughter wouldn't live. It was the day we were given a fatal diagnosis called anencephaly. It was the day when our world came crashing down. It was the day when we picked up the pieces of our shattered lives and moved forward intent on making the most of the time we had left with her.

I didn't know how the day would go starting out. Originally I had down to take this day off of work but changed it last week. I ended up leaving work early anyway as we were slow and I had a few things to send out in the mail.

As soon as the clock hit 1 pm that's when I started reliving it all. It began with my ultrasound, getting the call, the diagnosis, and the moments following. I even did a play by play on FB just so that I could write down when each moment happened. (Thank you to everyone for your comments and support.) I was ok through it all, but now not so much.

Since putting Kyndra to bed, I've sat here and listened to I Will Carry You by Selah over and over. It's a song that I listened to many times the days following her diagnosis. I felt the music and the words and I felt the tears burning in my eyes. The words were true then and they are still true now. I will forever carry my daughter, long beyond this empty cradle. This day a year ago I carried her in my womb but today I carry her in my heart.

One of the parts in the song that actually makes my heart joyous is the part where it talks about God showing her pictures of time beginning and walking her through the parted seas. The angels singing her sweet lullabies and then saying who could love her like this? While I truly believe that no one on this earth could love my daughter as much as I love her, I also know that God loves her so much more. It can be hard to grasp because I love my daughter very, very much and to think that God loves her even more than I do?

It's quite possible I will cry myself to sleep tonight. I am going to take her fuzzy, pink blanket to bed to sleep with. It doesn't smell like her anymore but just knowing that she was wrapped in it from when she got her bath in the hospital until we laid her in her casket is enough for me. It's been many months since I have done this but tonight I need it.

My Very Own Angel

2009-12-10T21:23:00.004-05:00

I would like to highlight a ministry called My Very Own Angel.

This ministry was started by my friend, Stephanie Stewart, after the loss of her 2nd son, Vayden, on May 23, 2009. I have known Stephanie since she was pregnant with Vayden and I have always connected with her. Her faith and strength is inspiring, along with her desire to help other women and families. You are truly a special woman, Stephanie, and I pray that God blesses you and your ministry.

Here is her story.....

I planned the pregnancy of my 2nd child and at a routine 18 week ultrasound we were told that we were having a boy who suffered from a lower urinary tract obstruction aka LUTO or PUV. At that time the diagnosis was poor. Just four weeks later the diagnosis became fatal. We were told that our son’s kidneys failed and that he would not live long after birth if even to that. Our options were to terminate the pregnancy, chop it up as a loss and try again later, or carry to term. I chose to carry to term. The next few months of my pregnancy was used to embrace the knowledge that I had been given, I never gave up hope, but I did prepare. I searched for support that was non-medical related. At that point I just wanted to know if I was going to die after losing my baby. I started blogging as a way to cope. It was the best thing I ever did. The families I’ve met through this mean so much to me-those before, with me and after me. Vayden James Stewart was born May 23, 2009 at 35 weeks. He lived for 3 hrs and 45 min, the most humbling, amazing and heartbreaking 3 hrs and 45 min in my life. Only a month after Vayden passed I had a need to reach out to women to help them through this journey, just as so many helped me. That’s when I started working on creating My Very Own Angel. ~Stephanie

A beautiful baby boy. So perfect and so loved.

My Very Own Angel is about healthy grieving and progressive healing. My goal is to help continue to break that 'don’t talk about it' syndrome. Your baby living or not is and will always be YOUR baby. I want everyone to see angel moms in a different light. I want people to know that we are PROUD to say “I Have My Very Own Angel”. Every chance that I get to honor Vayden is another step on my ladder. I want everyone to feel the same. ~Stephanie

What does My Very Own Angel offer?

The 345 teddy bear project is a donation of 345 teddy bears that wear angel charms around their necks. They are to be given to mothers when they hand over their baby at the hospital. The slogan is that “No woman should leave labor and delivery empty handed”. The number 345 represent the 3 hrs and 45 min that Stephanie's angel Vayden our angel was here on earth. The bears are donated in divided sets to hospitals.

As part of My Very Own Angel, Stephanie offers Carrying To Term (CTT) comfort packs. Stephanie has a soft spot for women that carry to term. The CTT packs are offered to women who make the brave choice to carry out a fatal pregnancy. They have special keepsake items inside for mom and baby. The item Stephanie is most proud about is the “Our Very Own Angel” infant caps. Care packs are provided at no cost to women who are carrying to term.

The My Very Own Angel t-shirts are a statement-making item that you can wear when you just want to tell the world “I have my very own angel”. Some women wear them to birthday parties because they know people will ask “How many kids do you have?” The MVOA shirts can be worn anytime and can be a great conversation starter

Because My Very Own Angel is not yet a 501 (c) 3 non profit, the shirt sales and small donations and out of pocket expense is how MVOA continues to run. Stephanie makes no profit or money and when she does, she hosts blog or facebook giveaways or donates to Sufficient Grace Ministries, String of Pearls, or Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep to show her appreciation for their love and support. Her heart has called her to do this because she wants women to know there is hope and that you will get through this and you can do it with grace.

In 5 years Stephanie would like to have reached out to hospitals all around the US with The 345 Teddy Bear Project. She hopes to see the number of families carrying out fatal pregnancies double and these families making the most out of carrying to term. Right now she is working with local high risk OBGYNs hoping they will allow her information in their offices. So in 5 years she hopes women who receive fatal prenatal diagnoses won’t have to hunt and search for support and she would like to see My Very Own Angel on those lists.

In 10 years, Stephanie's husband should be out of the military or close to it. They will be settled in one area so that Stephanie will be able to complete everything needed to be recognized as a non-profit by the IRS. She will finally be in place that she can call home and become well-established with the local businesses and hospitals. Stephanie knows she will be grateful for all the travel and the knowledge received over the next 10 years about other states and how they treat pregnancy and infant loss.

My Very Own Angel’s signature scripture:
“Now someone may argue, “some people have faith; others have good deeds" But I say "How can you show me your faith if you don't have good deeds?" "I will show you my faith by my good deeds" James 2:18

You can visit My Very Own Angel's website, blog, or Facebook page. You can read more of Stephanie's journey with her son Vayden on her blog Through My Mothers Eyes......Vayden's Story.

Lynnette's Book Chapter 15/16 & Week 12 The Secret

2009-10-20T09:22:00.015-04:00

Please click the above icon to learn more about Read With Us and how it works. This book reading is for In Faithfulness, He Afflicted Me by Lynnette Kraft.

Lynnette shares with us the night before and the night that Anna passed away. Some of this section was shared in the Prologue of the book, so it was already familiar to me. I can only imagine how agonizing of a time this was for her and her family. I think that it was a blessing that they got such a perfect evening with her before she went to be with Jesus.

I'm so glad there were many people there to support them through such a difficult time. I like that the children's friends kept them occupied. I think it is sweet that Anna wrote those little notes. I am sure it is a treasured keepsake!! Planning for your child's memorial isn't easy and I could really relate to Lynnette when she said that she didn't have time to be sad because she was busy working to get everything around. I felt the same way. I wanted everything to be perfect and be a wonderful celebration of her life. I think both Lynnette and I achieved that.

(Next week will be all of part 2 of the book and will be the last one.)

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To live in the faith that the whole world is on my side, so long as I am true to the best that is in me.

There are many people that care for and love me and as long as I have their support then that is what matters. As long as God is on my side nothing can be against me.

Lynnette's Book Chapter 14 & Week 11 The Secret

2009-10-12T13:01:00.008-04:00

Please click the above icon to learn more about Read With Us and how it works. This book reading is for In Faithfulness, He Afflicted Me by Lynnette Kraft.

Lynnette starts off the chapter by sharing with us how Anna got saved. I enjoy hearing stories of the day a person got saved so I liked reading this part. After Anna accepted Jesus as her Savior she got baptized by her father, Kyle. This reminded me of my own times of becoming saved and being baptized. I first asked Jesus to come into my heart when I was 12 years old. It was at a church summer camp and I remember how moving the experience was. I wasn't baptized until I was in college. I got baptized in my parents' swimming pool. How fitting that it was the very pool I spent so many summers in. The water was a little cold though because it was closer to fall. What were your own experience of being saved/baptized like?

Lynnette began to notice Anna retaining fluid and not being her usual self. They were able to get the fluid down but she wasn't completely back to normal. She would tire easily and didn't do the things she did before, like play outside.

Anna and her family were able to go to Disney World thanks to the Make-A-Wish Foundation. I think this is a great organization that does so many good things for kids and I'm glad they were all able to go and spend that time together as a family doing fun things. I'm sure it was odd for Anna, who wasn't used to being put in the spotlight.

I can certainly understand Lynnette's mind jumping back in forth in thinking Anna getting worse or better. I think that this comes from having suffered losses already and not wanting it to happen again. I don't know how many times I think the worst-case scenario about things, especially with Kyndra. I don't intentionally try to think about those things. My mind just goes there. Have you had times when you jumped between the worst and best of things?

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The Croley Gang

She Squeaks (stitchndeb)

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To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds.

I think it is great to think well of yourself but you shouldn't boast it to the world. You shouldn't think so highly of yourself that you come across as arrogant. That just makes people not want to be around you. I think it is a great idea to show it through good deeds rather than loud words. If I am feeling good about myself I should try to help someone else feel better.

Reading Group-Chapter 1

2009-05-04T00:00:00.006-04:00

We're off to a good start so let's move on to Chapter 1 of I'll Hold You In Heaven. The chapter is titled "The Gift of Lives".

The chapter starts out with the author stating that the answers to our pain and grief lies in Scripture.

1) Please share a verse that helped you the most with your own pain and grief.

The book asked the question "was my unborn child, in the fullest sense of the meaning, actually a human being?" I think that we would all agree that our children were in every sense a human being.

2) What would you say to a person who thought your child(ren), no matter what age they passed, wasn't really a human being?

3) Do you believe the life of a child in the womb is eternal? (To clarify-Do you believe they are promised everlasting life just like us?)

Many people are passionate about the sanctity of life, which is a good thing, but the author notes that often people get too wrapped up in trying to protect life instead of sharing God's love.

4) Do you find this to be true? Have you known anybody that cares more for saving lives than sharing God's love? What do you think about this statement the author makes?

The next subject that is introduced to us is reincarnation. The Bible clearly states that we only have one life to live before being judged.
Just as man is destined to die once, and after that to face judgment. Hebrews 9:27
With this thought, parents can easily fall into the idea that their child will come back to them in the future through another child.

5) Have you ever believed your child(ren) would return to you in the future? If so, has your view changed at all?

Another common area of thinking for grieving parents is to believe that their babies existed in Heaven before conception. Many times our children are referred to as "angels". The book gave the statement "God somehow knew better and that He took back the life He had earlier given from Heaven." God doesn't make babies to take babies. Death has been a part of our human lives since sin entered our lives from the fall of Adam and Eve and there's nothing we can do about it. Because of sin we cannot lead perfect lives or have perfect babies. Also, God doesn't send angels into baby bodies. Angels are a separate being from us humans and have been so since the beginning of time.

6) What do you believe in regards to babies and angels? Do you believe your baby (babies) is an angel? Do you think your baby (babies) existed before the womb?

God told man to be fruitful and multiply.
God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground." Genesis 1:28
God never said in the Bible that we are to have a certain number of children.

7) What are your thoughts on birth control? Have you used it before? What kind?

To God, children are very precious and are considered blessings.
Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one's youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; They will not be ashamed when they speak with their enemies in the gate. Psalm 127:3-5
No doubt, I'm sure we all consider our own children, both here and in Heaven, as blessings.

8) Share how your child(ren) in Heaven has blessed your life.

Reading Group-Introduction

2009-05-01T00:00:00.002-04:00

Alright, everyone! Thank you for joining me in reading I'll Hold You In Heaven. I hope we can all grow and gain more understanding through reading the book and discussing it. We'll discuss the book and answer questions through commenting. Feel free to comment as much as you want and in response to another person. All comments are moderated by me and will be posted after my approval.

The introduction is fairly short and familiarizes us with what this book is about and introduces us with the author and his ideas. We are also introduced with the different types of losses-miscarriage, stillbirth, abortion, and early infant death.

So, on to the first question!!

1) Do you think one type of loss is worse than another or are they of equal suffering?

The book is supposed to help those who have suffered a loss get answers to the questions they may have in their hearts.

2) Have you suffered a loss? What type? If not, has someone close to you had a loss?

3) What are some of the questions you have in your heart?

In the introduction, the author takes a little more time to talk about abortion since this subject is of greater sensitivity.

4) What are your thoughts on abortion?

5) What is your attitude toward those who have made this choice?

Under The Tree-April

2009-04-24T19:04:00.005-04:00

Under The Tree is a place where women who have lost a child can gather, share, and most importantly, support each other. Here is this month's questions:

How long has it been since you lost your child? Has your grief changed at all? Is your life becoming any easier or is it just harder as time passes?

Tomorrow it will be 4 weeks since Carleigh was born still. Wow. 4 weeks! It honestly feels a lot longer than that since I said goodbye. I would have to say my grief has gotten easier. My burden lighter. You see, I was grieving for my daughter before she was even born because I knew she wouldn't live. Sometimes I honestly don't know how I keep myself so together. The strength that I have been given can only come from God. There really is no other explanation. Don't get me wrong, I've had my difficult times. I've had days where she's all I think about and I cry and long for her to be in my arms. But the Lord picks me back up and I move forward.

At times I find it difficult to accept that life is going back to normal. I guess I fear that normal equals forgotten and I never want that to happen. I know that with time it will get even easier but there will always be an ache in my heart for her that will never be filled until we are reunited in Heaven.

How do you feel when you see pregnant women when you are out and about?

It doesn't bother me at all. It didn't bother me while I was pregnant with Carleigh and I knew that she would die. In fact, several family members and some friends of mine were or are still pregnant. I am sincerely happy for them. I don't want them to feel guilty for having healthy babies and I hope they don't. Like I have said before, I would travel this road a thousand times just for her.

When I see strangers who are pregnant I do feel a longing to feel those little kicks in my tummy. I love being pregnant. I love having a little life inside me growing. I do miss that. I felt empty not long after Carleigh was born. Literally. It felt so weird. I felt a void in my tummy and I longed for her to fill it again.

What's your therapy in the aftermath of losing your child? Do you go to counseling? Do you do artwork or some kind of exercise or do you simply just let yourself be? What helps you?

My therapy is my blog-sharing our journey with others. It encourages me so much to know that we have made a difference in the lives of others. Writing out my thoughts and feelings is very therapeutic. I do belong to 2 groups on yahoo-Anencephaly Support and Anencephaly Blessings From Above. These groups have been so very important to me. I know these groups are a safe place for me to go. I can vent or talk about my feelings and I know the moms in these groups "get" me.

One thing I plan on doing in the near future is writing a poem for Carleigh. I've always liked writing poems and I think I'm pretty decent at it. Once I write it I do want to share it with others and maybe it can help them. I like listening to music. There were quite a few songs I listened to a lot during the journey. Most of them are on Carleigh's playlist below.

Service & Burial

2009-04-04T19:03:00.008-04:00

Well, today was Carleigh's last visitation, her service, and then her burial. I was a little unsure of how the day would go but there is no doubt that everything was beautiful. God gave us a nice, sunny day when just the day before it was windy and rainy. I thought that the whole day would be really tough on me but, yet again, I was surprised at my own strength. God's grace and everyone's prayers were truly with us! I had my share of tears but nothing like I had expected.

The visitation was from 10-11 am. We got there around 9:15 am. I set up some of Carleigh's stuff on a table for people to see. I set out her scrapbook (I had gotten a few pages done), her hand and foot imprints, her baby book, her photo album with the maternity and ultrasound pictures, and Carleigh's toy box from my Aunt Becky and Uncle Buck. Everything was lying on the quilt the hospital gave me.

Once I got everything set out I went into the sanctuary of the church and got Carleigh. I held her the entire visitation and service in her fuzzy pink blanket. We had a lot of people come to both the visitation and the service. The service started out with Pastor Mark praying and reading Carleigh's obituary, with a few personal touches. Next, the slideshow was shown and it was just so wonderful! It had pictures from Carleigh's US, my maternity photos, and lots of pictures leading up to her birth to the days after. The pictures were set to the songs I Will Carry You by Selah, Glory Baby by Watermark, and With Hope by Steven Curtis Chapman. My Uncle Buck spoke for a little bit and like always it was perfect and so well thought out. Our friend Andy read a poem written by Anthony's Uncle John and then Pastor Mark read a letter written by Anthony's sister Chantel. They both did a very good job. Pastor Mark spoke for a little bit and read Pslam 23 and then the song He Will Carry Me by Mark Schultz was played. The service ended in prayer. Everyone was dismissed by row and came forward to pay their respects. After everyone was through it was time to put Carleigh in her casket. That was hard to do. I took off her white crochet hat and replaced it with the one that went with her burial outfit. It was too big on her but it didn't matter. I took off her little pearl bracelet and her cross necklace. We placed a little heart in her casket. It was given to us by my Uncle Dan and Aunt Lisa and their family. It was a matching bigger heart that Anthony and I keep. I pulled up her blanket Anthony's Grandma made and we gave her lots of kisses. Brian helped us close the casket and we stood there for a few moments before turning around and going outside to wait for her. Anthony's brother Todd and my brother-in-law Jason were pallbearers and they brought Carleigh out and put her in the hearse. (All the while Ashley is taking pictures for us and we had the service videotaped.)

Anthony, me, and Kyndra plus the grandparents rode in the limo behind the hearse to the cemetery. We got there and we waited for Todd and Jason to get Carleigh out of the hearse and take her over to her plot. We followed them and I sat down in one of the chairs with Anthony beside me. My mom was on the other side of me. After everyone had gathered Pastor Mark read some scripture and prayed. Everyone was told they were welcome to return to the church for a dinner. Everyone stuck around for a little bit and people came up to hug us and such. Finally, Anthony and I stood up and went back to the limo and then everyone else started to go back to their cars. I actually could've sat there probably all day. Beside the cemetery there are horses and 2 of the horses came over to the fence and stood there while everyone was there and then when we were leaving they also turned to leave. It was neat to see that.

The dinner was good. There was lots of food (thank you!) and a cake made by Angie from my church (I love her cake!). We had lots of people come back for the dinner. After everyone was pretty much gone we packed everything up and went back home.

What should have been such a sad day for me really didn't feel like that at all. Yes, I cried for my daughter because I miss her and I always will until I see her again but the joy I feel for being blessed with such a special daughter will always overshadow my sadness. Mommy loves you Carleigh!

The Things People Say

2009-08-13T09:04:00.015-04:00

When someone loses a child it is a tragedy. You feel for that person, send them a card, tell them you're sorry. You may even go to the visitation or funeral. But I challenge you to take a good look at your actions and words. Are you really supporting those experiencing the loss?

I bet you'd be surprised to find out that you're probably not.

When we got Carleigh's diagnosis of anencephaly it was such a blow. The proverbial rug was pulled out from underneath us. Many people told us they were sorry and that they were praying for us. I appreciated that. But I also got a lot of those 'famous cliche statements'. I had a few people tell me that they were sorry for my loss. What!? My daughter was still alive! I hadn't lost her yet! And then I had people telling me all about organ donation. I know they were only trying to be helpful but it didn't seem right for them to be suggesting donating my daughter's organs when I had just found out that she wouldn't live.

Almost a month after her diagnosis I wrote a post titled The Do's & Don'ts for providing support. I hoped to help people understand what would and wouldn't be helpful for me. I'd like to share that post here:

I know so many people don't know what to say to me. Most of the support that I have received has been positive and I am grateful for that! I thought it might help to write down some things for those who are afraid of saying the wrong thing. I completely understand how difficult it would be to come up with words to someone in my situation. I hope this helps. (Some things may apply after Carleigh passes.)

-Don't keep repeating those famous lines of "It was God's will", "God has a plan in this", "Everything happens for a reason", and "God never gives us more than we can handle". While all of these statements are true they are not very helpful. I know for some mothers it really bothers them to hear statements like this. As for me, they really don't bother me as much but hearing them over and over does get a little tiring. Do know that I trust God completely in our journey and since learning Carleigh's diagnosis my faith has not wavered but has grown stronger. If you are praying for us just let us know. Prayer is such a powerful tool and to know that we are in yours brings me comfort.

-Don't say "You can always have another one", "Be grateful that you have Kyndra", "Well, at least she passed before you got too attached" or "Just enjoy the time you have left with her". Carleigh is my precious daughter and she is not disposable. If I had a choice of losing her or stabbing my eye out with a fork I would take the fork. I would die for her just as you would die for your children. Yes, I am grateful that I have Kyndra and that she is healthy. Look at it this way-if your mother died in an accident and you grieved would that make you less grateful to have your father? I love Carleigh very much and was attached to her the very day I found out I was pregnant with her. I very much enjoy having her kicking inside of me. I don't take a single day we have together for granted. Do say things like I am a wonderful mother to Kyndra and Carleigh. Every woman likes to hear that they are a good mommy.

-Don't say things like "Things will go back to normal before you know it", "Time heals all wounds", "You'll be okay", or "Isn't it time you got over it?". Grief is not an emotion I enjoy. I wish I never had to experience this road but I am and it will be a part of me forever. Do realize that any grief I experience will have to fade on it's own and not on a specific timeline. I may still feel the effects of Carleigh's death for years to come and important days such as her birthday, Mother's Day, and holidays may be harder for me. I will be suffering a death in my family and not just some medical condition.

-Don't imply that Carleigh is an angel because she is not. She is a child of God. Humans cannot be angels and it says so in the Bible. I know a lot of people like to think of babies being angels to possibly make it easier to handle. Carleigh will not be "an angel in Heaven looking down over me". She will be happy in Heaven with Jesus and be carefree and that is exactly how I want it for her.

-Don't say that you understand how I feel when you really don't. Unless you are carrying a child who will die, you really don't understand how I feel. Do realize that even if you have experienced loss, or are going to, that everyone experiences grief differently.

-Don't pretend that this isn't happening and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I'm talking about it then it means I want to. Pretending that this isn't happening to me just makes me feel alone. Also, don't try to avoid me or be afraid that mentioning Carleigh will make me feel sad or cry. At times I may be ok and other times I may break down. It's ok for you to show your emotions in front of me. It shows me that you care for me and Carleigh very much. Do acknowledge what is happening to us. Sometimes saying "I'm sorry" is enough. You don't need to be eloquent with your words. Just say it and mean it and that's all that will matter. Receiving kind notes, flowers, and gifts are appreciated but don't be resentful if I don't respond with a call or a thank you note.

-Don't say "I'm sorry for your loss" when my baby is still very much alive. This phrase is not appropriate when Carleigh is still kicking inside of me. Please save it for after she has passed.

-Don't be afraid to share your good news with me. I am happy good things are happening to you and your family/friends. Just remember that your good news will not cancel out my grief or make things better. Do realize that nothing you say will make me sadder than the reality of what will happen to my child.

-Don't suggest donating her organs. How would you feel if you were asked this about your child, especially when she was still alive? Do know that organ donation has caused an ethical debate because of the difficulty in determining brain death since babies with anencephaly usually have a rudimentary brain stem. This would be a personal decision and it doesn't need pushing.

Please remember that this is the worst thing that I have ever had to experience. It is going to take me awhile to figure out how to live with it so bear with me. It is usually the simple little things that you say or do that mean so much. It is wonderful to know how much you care. Also, never underestimate how much a hug helps.

Along with the last line of that post, sometimes a hug is all I need. Sometimes words aren't necessary. It does my heart good to know that people still think and pray for us because we are still on this grief journey. One day I got a card in the mail from a family member telling me that they were still thinking of me and how we had touched their lives. That card meant a lot to me. Probably more than they'll ever know. (Thank you Jayme.) It was at a point where we were no longer getting calls, emails, and cards and it seemed like we were forgotten. And to know that at least one person had at least given us a thought really did my heart good.

It can be hard for people to understand that grief takes time to work through. In my frustration, I wrote a post called I'm not who I was. I wanted people to realize that I'm not the same person I was before all of this happened to us. I long to get back to more of my former self and I am getting there. I am closer each day.

Grief is uncomfortable for so many people but we need to know that it is ok! Jesus openly grieved in the Bible. In John 11:35 it is simply said Jesus wept. Two words that say a lot.

I hate it when I hear a fellow loss mommy say that someone told them they should 'get over it'. In my head I scream "How dare they!" Mourning a loss is healthy and shouldn't be discouraged. Everyone has their own timetable. Some are able to heal some quicker than others but that doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with either one of them! It also doesn't mean they ever forget. No one every forgets their baby. Ever. Something I wish more people would do is talk about the babies that are lost.

I want to end this post with a verse. We should all strive to live this.

Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. Ephesians 4:29

A Precious Goodbye

2009-07-09T13:00:00.002-04:00

This 4th week, we are sharing about saying goodbye and experiencing the memorial service or funeral if applicable.

By the time Carleigh made her arrival, every detail of the funeral arrangements had been planned. We had 4 months to prepare. (Click here, here, here, and here.)The only thing we did afterward was go over the order of the service with our pastor.

Carleigh was born March 28 and we had her first visitation on the evening of April 3 and a visitation the morning before her service on April 4. We had lots of family and friends travel to come see us and Carleigh. I was glad to see so many had made the trip. It really meant a lot to me.

I got to the funeral home that Friday evening long before we expected anybody to arrive. I wanted to spend as much time with Carleigh as possible. When I got there I realized I had forgotten Carleigh's fuzzy pink blanket and I was upset. I needed her fuzzy pink blanket to hold her in. My dad went back to our house and got it for me. I felt so much better once she was wrapped in it.

Slowly people came...family, friends, coworkers, church members, neighbors. I held Carleigh the entire visitation except for the few times Anthony held her and the times my cousins Amber and Jayme held her. There were tears, both from me and from others, but for the most part the atmosphere was light. My mood was generally good because I was so happy to see my little girl again and the sorrow of the moment rarely broke through my joy. Leaving her there was a little difficult.

Saturday I got around early again so that I could be at the church to have some time with her before everyone arrived. I set up a table with some of her keepsakes to share with everyone. Once my arms were empty of these things I went straight to my daughter and picked her up. She never left my arms until I had to put her in the casket after the service.

The service was very good. (Ashley took pics for us and we videotaped it.) We had a few family members share some things and we watched a slideshow of Carleigh. I was much teary-eyed throughout the service. Afterward family and friends filed through to where we were and said their condolences and left the sanctuary. Soon it was just our extended family. After they had said their goodbyes to Carleigh, Anthony and I walked our daughter to her casket and spent some last moments with her. I didn't want to put her in there. I wanted to walk out of that church and take her with me. But I knew what I wanted wasn't feasible. So I laid our daughter in her lavender and white casket. I kissed her over and over and told her I loved her. Anthony did the same. I covered her up with her blanket and gave her more kisses.

Then I had to close the casket.

I managed to do it and then I turned around and walked away. Anthony and I walked right out of the sanctuary and out of the church. We waited by the hearse to wait for her. My brother-in-laws carried her out and put her in the back. Then we got in the limo and headed out to the cemetery. Kyndra kept things from getting too emotional on the ride there. She was smiling and having fun. Oblivious to all the pain and sorrow.

At the cemetery we gathered around her plot and our pastor said a few words. Then everybody just stood around. Nobody moved. We all just stared at her little casket. It was quiet except for the 2 horses beside the cemetery that came to the fence to watch us. People started coming up and hugging us one by one. After a while sitting there I finally stood up and told Anthony it was time. We walked back to the limo and went back to our church for a meal.

~~~~~

I guess what I would tell parents is don't be afraid to speak up about your wishes and desires. Don't worry if people don't agree with them. At that time, it only matters what you want. I'm sure some people question why I would hold my daughter the entire time. I loved it. I knew I would never get those moments back and I wanted to spend them with her in my arms. Before long they would be empty forever.

~~~~~

Philippians 3:20-21
But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body.

The Sea of Grief

2009-07-23T08:16:00.012-04:00

This 6th week, we are we are sharing our first steps into the sea of grief.

My grief journey began the moment we found out Carleigh had anencephaly. Those first few days after the diagnosis were tough. We found out on a Monday and Thursday we were set to leave on our family trip to Hawaii. I took the remainder of the week off of work and my mom came down to stay with us until we left. I spent most of my time on the computer looking up things about anencephaly. I wanted to know more than what I knew about it. I read many stories of families carrying their children to term and I usually cried. I cried more during those days than I did the rest of my pregnancy or even now. Before we left for our trip I decided to temporarily forget all of our 'problems' and just enjoy our vacation. I did exactly that. We all had a wonderful time. Now I have such fond memories to look back on and know that Carleigh was with us the whole time.

When we got back from the trip I started planning for the future, but with a more positive outlook. I wanted to enjoy my pregnancy instead of being constantly sad and I think I did a pretty good job at accomplishing that. I had my share of difficult moments, but God got me through them.

I wasn't sad when Carleigh wasn't born alive. The days in the hospital were actually good. Leaving was the hard part. Handing Carleigh to the funeral director was the most difficult part of my journey. I really could've kept her with me forever! Her visitation and service went well and sometimes it felt odd to see other people crying more than me over my daughter.

These days I don't feel sad. Lately I have been feeling more emotional but not in a bad way. When the tears fill my eyes I am usually thinking fondly of my daughter and remembering those happy times we shared together. They are tears of joy. I really miss her and I long to see her again. I will patiently wait here on earth until my time is through and then I will have forever with her and Jesus. I do have times where I miss her so much it feels like my soul is hurting. And when I have those moments, God is there to comfort me.

Sometimes I feel out of place with my grief. I know that everyone grieves differently, but I don't feel I can relate to a lot of people. I can understand the grief of others only to an extent. I used to wonder if something was wrong with me. The one person that I know who gets me and my grief is Stephanee. Our grief is similar and it helps me to know I'm not alone. I'm so glad that God crossed our paths. I still haven't found the right words to describe what my grief is like and I don't think I ever will.

While my life has taken on a 'new' normal, it is not far off from what my life was like before Carleigh came to us. It's just that now I have her sweet memory to cherish and the blessing of calling her my daughter. I think of her every day. I miss her every day and wish she was here. I will continue to carry what has been with me all along. Hope.

~~~~~

The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces. Isaiah 25:8

You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing to you and not be silent. Psalm 30:11-12

Meeting Our Babies

2009-07-02T21:14:00.013-04:00

Walking With You was created by Kelly of Sufficient Grace Ministries to help support those who have lost a child. Together we share our stories, helpful information, scriptures, encouraging words, prayer requests, and more. To join in on Walking With You please visit Kelly's blog.

This 3rd week we will be sharing about the birth of our babies and the moments we spent with our children after they were born.

I'll share some bits and pieces from that day and maybe some new things too, but if you'd like to read Carleigh's birth story in it's entirety then please click here. I know I said I couldn't write much about Carleigh this week but I am feeling better today and I really want to participate in Walking With You.

I made the decision on March 20, 2009 to go forward with an induction. I really wanted to carry Carleigh to my due date but both my growth and Carleigh's were falling behind as the weeks passed (on the day of my induction at 37 weeks I was measuring at only 29 weeks). I had an ultrasound that day and I talked with Dr. H after I read the report. We talked about her growth, the likelihood of her being born still, and whether to proceed with an induction. It was a hard decision to make.

On my OB appointment on March 23 I talked to Dr. F and we went ahead and set up an induction for the morning of March 27. That day came sooner than I wanted it to but I felt at ease about everything. I knew God was with me.

The night before was spent getting things around. My parents came down that night and stayed with us so they could go to the hospital with us in the morning. Carleigh was still feisty as ever that night and I took immense pleasure in feeling her moving around. How I miss those kicks! I had no trouble sleeping but, like always, I woke up before my alarm went off. I ate my breakfast and finished some last minute packing and then it was off to the hospital. I specifically remember Carleigh getting hiccups on the ride and how excited I was that I could feel those at least one more time.

At the hospital we checked in and they showed me to my room. I changed into my gown and we completed all the paper and blood work. It was after 8 am when they started my Pitocin. They bumped it up steadily throughout the day. The whole day we had family and a few friends in and out checking in on me. I let everyone come and go freely as I was not really in any pain at all. My friend Ashley got there around midday. She was taking pictures for me before, during, and after delivery. She captured so many great moments.

Around 7 pm we hit a fork in the road. I had a choice to make. I could either stop the Pitocin and start it up the next day or Dr. F could break my water and we could continue. It was very difficult to decide what to do. I knew that stretching out my labor over several days wouldn't be good on Carleigh but breaking my water wouldn't be either. In the end I chose for Dr. F to break my water and continue on.

Not long after my water broke there was a shift change on the floor and I got a new nurse, Erin. I am so glad she was the one that was there for Carleigh's birth and to help us afterwards. She was so great and she handled Carleigh so delicately. Around 9 pm I was 2-3 cm dilated and 80% effaced and about a hour later I got my epidural. I tried to rest but only did for a little bit. It was hard to rest when I was anxious about her birth.

I checked Carleigh's heart rate with the doppler about 2 am on March 28. It was very hard for me to find it. I searched frantically, praying that she was still with me. I finally found it and you can't imagine how relieved I was to hear that sweet swooshing sound. Her rate was still good but it was faint and that worried me. I figured she was just dropping so it wasn't picking up as well but I also thought the worst-that she wasn't tolerating labor well and was going downhill. A little later I had Erin check Carleigh on the doppler and she got the same and wasn't concerned so that made me feel better.

My epidural was concentrated on the left side of my body so I could feel everything on my right. The contractions were picking up in intensity. By 3:30 am Dr. F had come back to check on me. I started to feel a bit of pressure 'down there' so she checked me and told me it was time to push. This was the moment we'd been waiting for. Everything happened so fast after she checked me. Several people were moving around the room getting the supplies ready. Ashley got her camera ready. My husband called my friend Lindsey who was supposed to videotape.

I was ready to meet her but I was scared. I wanted so much for her to be born alive so that I could just get a few moments with her. I wanted it so badly.....but it didn't happen. Carleigh was born still at 3:49 am on March 28. They told me her head was out and I looked up to try and see her but I couldn't see her yet. A few more pushes and she was out. Anthony cut her cord and they handed her to me and I put her on my chest. She was so beautiful and I loved her so much in that moment. She was who I had been waiting for all those months. My very special baby that I carried to term.

She took my breath away for a few moments and then I really looked at her. I knew she was gone. My nurse Erin checked her chest with a stethoscope for a heart beat....for anything. There was nothing. She was gone. But I instantly decided that it didn't matter. She was finally here with me and in my arms. I didn't cry. All I could do was gaze in wonder and love at my precious Carleigh. I kissed her face. I kissed her little hands and feet-so grateful for the gift of this little girl. I wanted to kiss away the bruises on her body and make it all better.

About 45 minutes later Anthony went and let our family know in the waiting room that she was here but she didn't make it. I only learned later the emotional scene that took place during that time. We slowly let people back to our room. We weighed Carleigh. She was 3 lbs and 15 oz. She was tiny but she had such chubby cheeks just like her big sister Kyndra. I let Erin give her a bath while I watched from my bed. I smiled the whole time she got her bath. (I actually don't know whether I physically smiled but it sure felt like I was on the inside.) I was (and still am!) a very proud mommy. Once she was clean and had a diaper on Erin gave her back to me and I dressed her in her hospital outfit and some jewelry.

I let our family and friends take turns holding her then. We got some hand and foot prints in pink ink and also some impressions of her hands and feet in clay. I let Erin measure her and she was 13 1/2 inches long. Everyone started to leave the hospital then and Anthony and I got some more time alone with Carleigh. Once I was able to stand and walk we went to our postpartum room. I carried my girl in my arms across the hall. We got settled down to finally rest. Carleigh and I snuggled up in my bed and went to sleep.

The next day (or I should say the same day) our family was back visiting. I asked my parents to bring donuts for the nurses because they were so kind to us. My postpartum nurse, Michaella, helped me change Carleigh's dressing on her head and get a lock of her hair. Carleigh spent the rest of the time in the hospital in our arms, mostly in mine. I was so happy.

Our last day was the hardest. I knew I would have to say goodbye and I didn't want to. We got it arranged so we could take Carleigh to the funeral home ourselves. I didn't have to experience leaving the hospital empty-handed. I am so glad I got to walk out with her. Before we left I dressed her in another outfit. I did it slowly because I didn't really want to leave. The tears were building. After she was dressed I held her and I finally started to cry. I didn't want these moments to end.

When our stuff was all ready to go we made the walk out of the hospital. A long, yet brief, walk. It was a Sunday and as we walked out there was no one around. It was quiet. I carried my daughter-wrapped up in her fuzzy pink blanket that held her the entire time since her birth-to the main entrance. It was a chilly day so I bundled her up tighter out of instinct. Once the cars were loaded up Anthony walked me out to our van and helped us in.

The drive to the funeral home was too short in my opinion. I didn't want to get out of that van. I wanted to drive straight home and take my daughter with me. Anthony came and got us out of the van and we went inside. We sat on one of the couches and spent our last moments that day with her. We hugged her and kissed her. We told her we loved her very much. I finally mustered up the courage to say it was time. We stood up and I handed her over to the funeral director, Craig. I gave her one last kiss and I walked away. I think I felt my heart break at that exact moment. I didn't just cry. I sobbed. Anthony held me as I struggled to breathe. He had to escort me back out to our van because my feet wouldn't move on their own. We made the long drive home....without our daughter.

~~~~~

I urge any parent who loses a child to get as many keepsakes and photos as you possibly can. You only get those moments to capture those memories and then they are gone forever. Ask for a NILMDTS photographer to take pictures of your baby. You can get hand and foot prints, impressions, and molds. You can get a lock of your baby's hair if they have any. Ask for anything that touched your baby in the hospital. I would say that many places would be willing to give them to you. Take videos. Even if you can't fathom having or looking at any pictures or videos or anything else, get them. Some day you may wish you would've.

~~~~~

I ask that you keep my friend, Jodi, in your prayers. Her daughter, Jillian, will be making her arrival soon. Jillian has anencephaly like Carleigh. I am praying that Jodi and her family gets some precious time with her.

Waiting

2009-06-25T11:54:00.021-04:00

~~~~~

One of the first sites I went to after Carleigh's diagnosis was the Carrying to Term Pages. It helped me out a lot, especially with getting ideas for Carleigh's birth plan. Two other websites gave me a lot of information about anencephaly-Anencephaly Net and Anencephaly-info.

~~~~~

My prayer request is for moms and families that are finding out that their child will or may not live. I pray that they can find the support and guidance they need through these rough waters and that the Lord be with them.

The Ripples Flow to Our Marriage

2009-07-30T10:19:00.006-04:00

Sibling Grief/The Next Pregnancy

2009-08-08T21:10:00.004-04:00

Reuniting in Heaven

2009-09-10T13:19:00.007-04:00

3 things you didn't know about Carleigh

2009-07-14T05:00:00.005-04:00

This week on the MckLinky blog hop we are sharing '3 things you didn't about know me', but for Carleigh's blog I'd like to share 3 things you may not know about her.

1) She had such little ears but they were different from each other. They didn't match at all. It was like they belonged to two different people yet they were uniquely hers.

2) Her pinky fingers were a little crooked. It is a trait in Anthony's family that his brother and him share. They've passed it down to their children and Carleigh was no exception!

3) She had more hair on her head than Kyndra had when she was born. Really! She had quite a bit of hair and it had a blondish tint to it. So I think she would've had blonde hair like her sister.

The Day After

2008-12-16T18:30:00.002-05:00

Well, today is the day after.....I did not sleep well last night. I kept thinking about Carleigh. We've got to make decisions about her birth. We've got to plan her funeral. We shouldn't have to think about things like this.

My mom came down around noon today. My dad drove her down here. He stayed and visited for a little bit and then took Coalee and went back home. He took Coalee to board him at Boutwell's while we're on our trip.

I got a package in the mail today. It is the prefolds (cloth diapers) I ordered for Kyndra and Carleigh. This completed all the diapers I would need for Carleigh and now I won't be able to use a single one.

I got a call from Dr. F's office today regarding my referral to a specialist. I have an appt tomorrow afternoon w/ a Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist in the Dayton area. I will be having a level 2 US, meeting w/ the specialist, and possibly seeing the genetics counselor too. I am hoping that everyone is nice, caring, and understanding. I don't want to be questioned about my decision to continue to carry Carleigh. I don't want to be told that termination would be better. I have no problem walking out if they don't support our decision. The office said they were faxing over all of my records so I'm hoping they realize that we are serious in our decision.

I bought 2 books today off of Amazon. One is "We Were Gonna Have a Baby, But We Had an Angel Instead" and it is a children's book. The other is "Waiting With Gabriel: A Story of Cherishing a Baby's Brief Life" and it is a book that I have been wanting to read for a long time now, even before this happened to us. It just seems more important to read now.

I don't want to do this. I don't want my baby to die. I feel though that Carleigh was meant for me. God knew he was sending her to a mommy that would take good care of her and love her no matter what. I do believe too that God has been preparing me for this and I am glad. Please continue to pray for us and for Carleigh. I know God can work a miracle and as much as I hope for that I will accept whatever He chooses for us.

Fight for Wyatt!!!

2009-09-08T19:35:00.004-04:00

I want to bring to your attention a cause that my friend Danielle is fighting for. Her son Wyatt was born and lived for 2 minutes, but the state of Tennessee is saying that he was born still and will not issue him a birth certificate because of the way the law is worded. Danielle is fighting for her son to get the wording changed. Wyatt's 2 minutes on this earth deserve to be recognized.

If you live in Tennesse please read this post of Danielle's and help her out by signing her petition. If you don't live in Tennesse, please stop by her blog and offer her some support and encouragement. If you know of anyone who does live in Tennesse please direct them to the petition! Thank you so much!!